Who is this "Fertile Myrtle"?

Quick Retrieval Update

2012-03-06T13:38:00.000-06:00

They got 23. I just made it home and im going to lay down. I am having a good amount of pain and also loopy from pain meds. We will have update tomorrow on how many were mature and how many fertilized.

Lucky Socks and No Makeup

2012-03-06T08:46:00.001-06:00

Getting ready to head in for retrieval. I just wanted to say thanks to Christy for my lucky socks and here is a pic of me with no makeup going out in public! Yikes :) Oh and dont laugh too hard at the fact I took a pic of my lucky socks with shoes. Its called laziness.

(Of course I am wearing an OU shirt also)

(Those look like some good egg making legs to me!)

23 hours and Counting........................

2012-03-05T11:02:00.000-06:00

23 hours and counting until our retrieval! I woke up last night at midnight and gave myself the trigger shot. I guess sitting there waking up from sleeping trying to figure out the mixture took me about 15 minutes. The doctor had me take the 5,000 instead of 10,000. So I sat there looking at the vials and triple reading my instructions. Afterwards I laid in bed hoping I did it right, LOL. Ok I might be just a tad obsessive complusive, but just a tad.

Tomorrow is a big day, not only for me but for a few of my fellow bloggers. I hope that my fellow bloggers get great news tomorrow, especially Jules and Sara! Thinking of you guys!

I will update tomorrow when I get home and feel up to it.

I am a chicken

2012-03-04T11:48:00.000-06:00

Yes as of today I feel like a chicken that is about to lay a dozen eggs. Hopefully I will lay the "golden egg"

Since I didnt take any stims yesterday my level dropped to 3300. I took one ampule of Menopur today and tonight I will take 25iu of Follistim just to amp things up a bit. My doctor also prescribe me Cabergoline which is suppose to stop you from getting OHSS, I will start taking it Tuesday. My follies are looking really good. We trigger tonight at midnight and my retrieval is set for 10:00am on Tuesday. We filled out all of our pre-op paperwork and filled all of my prescriptions, OHSS meds, pain meds, antibiotics and a progesterone pill for transfer day. Wow looks like its about game time. Not sure how I am feeling right now. I think its easier to just keep moving on and forward. I did stop for a split second to wonder what would happen if all my eggs were bad. I stopped that thought soon after. There is nothing we could do, so there is no sense of worrying about it.

Here I end things today by hoping for the golden egg.

Three Days from Retrieval .......................

2012-03-03T11:08:00.000-06:00

I guess I am three days out from retrieval, as things stand right now. My husband wasn't able to make it this morning ( he is my egg counter) Lol... Looks like the majority of them are right about 15mm as of today. Some larger and some smaller. I also just found out that my E2 levels are 3800 which is high including my follistim was only 25 iu last night. The doctor told me no follistim or menopur today and we are coasting. I go back in tomorrow . Sounds like my retrieval is going to be on Tuesday as planned.

E2 Levels Day 7

2012-03-02T15:25:00.000-06:00

Well my follistim has now been cut down to 25iu tonight. My E2 levels were 2400 this morning. From today on until retrieval I have to go in daily for ultrasounds and blood work. I guess someone my age isn't really expected to respond this well to stims. I promised the other day I wouldn't freak out about this any further and would trust the professionals. That is what I'm doing. Guess that's all I have to say for now.

Stims Day 7

2012-03-02T08:28:00.000-06:00

Well u/s looked really good this morning. I have approximately 20 follicles in a cluster today. They are ranging about from 11mm to 13mm. I have some others that are a bit larger and the other 18 are still under 10mm as of today. Waiting on E2 levels and will update later today. I also think im coming down with something because I feel horrible today. I have stomach cramps and the stuff that follows stomach cramps (ugh). I am also feeling sick to my stomach and a bit flushed. I might go home a little early today and just rest. Besides that doctor said everything is looking great.

Oh one more thing. Last night at acupuncture I told him that I was decreased on medications again, so we didnt do the stimulation phase of it. He told me that another girl from OU had also been decreased and he doesnt ever see that. He thought it was due to us both starting acpuncture at least six weeks out from our ivf and preparing our bodies for it. Who knows? I didnt want to say yes I agree or no I didnt. Hell I dont care what the reason for responding well to medications, just happy I am. I hope that it works this time and then I will have (5) boxes of follistim to donate to someone who really needs it!!!!!

I broke my promise

2012-03-01T08:32:00.002-06:00

So yesterday........... I broke my promise of not freaking out etc. Thank you for all the supportive comments. Guess I was a little taken back that my meds were already lowered significantly and my levels were still rising so much. After sitting down and taking a breath yesterday, I realized what I have known within the last year of dealing with my wonderful doctor.... I trust him 100%. I know that he is on top of things and I need to not open that door to worry wart or it will never be closed until the day our (baby) is born. Hell I know that my heart cant take that much anxiety (litterally). Tonight I have acupuncture again this week and lower my dose of Follistim to 75iu and then another u/s bloodwork tomorrow. I am kinda excited to see whats going on downunder :) Every time I sneeze it feels like my ovaries are going to explode (and I love every minute of it)! My side effects from the Lupron are completely gone, finally! I am actually having less side effects with the follistim and menopur verses other cycles with just menopur. My bruises are looking freaking awesome and I want to take pictures to put in my baby book. btw i saw this the other day and thought it was so true!

Even though I am going through secondary infertility, I have never fought for anything harder in my life. Our little one will know just how much we wanted him/her and the lengths we went through to get pregnant.

I know this is all over the place today but just stick with me. After all of the politics going on lately and especially with the Personhood Act here in Oklahoma and coming to the other states soon (so be prepared). It made me think alot about our decision we made with our left over embryos. Al and I are not having anymore children after this, mainly because of our age and I do have a teenager who will be driving in two years. I am going to share our decision we made with our left over embryos. We thought so hard about this and decided to donate them to other couples who desperately want children. I couldnt think of any better gift to a person. Suffering through infertility is so difficult, then add on top of that the added expense of having to do donor embryos. My ONLY regret about this is, I wish I could give them to a couple free and clear. I hate the fact that someone will have to ultimately pay for them. With that being said, I know that we made the right decision in the end. Now the people who want to call ivf immoral and unethical, please tell me how this is such a bad thing?

Oh yeah.... hopefully 5 days until retrieval!

E2 Levels

2012-02-29T14:25:00.002-06:00

So I just got a call from my clinic. My E2 levels are 987 and the doctor is dropping my Follistim again. Tonight is 100 iu and tomorrow is 75iu. I wont lie I am starting to get worried,. My doctor is VERY conservative. I know that if he doesnt get this under control, they will cancel my ivf cycle. The RN told me not to be worried that they will get this where it needs to be and that I should be happy I am responding so well. She also told me I have to take into consideration that I have alot of follicles and that makes a huge difference. Jeez i am really starting to get stressed out.

Stims Day 5 (We missed a few)

2012-02-29T08:20:00.001-06:00

I just got done with my u/s & bloodwork for Stims day (5). Looks like we missed a few on my baseline. As of this morning I have 24 follies on left and 14 on right. With that being said there is only a cluster of follies around 9mm right now. I think the nurse told me about 16 of them. The remaining are smaller then 7, so not all of them will be matured when we do retreival. I am very happy with those numbers though. She said I am responding very well. My lining is at a 7 today and I will update with my E2 levels later in the day when I recieve them. Today I am causiously optomistic.

Pinch me...............

2012-02-28T08:28:00.001-06:00

I know that everything im going through is probably, perfectly normal or I hope so. I am about 7 days from retreival and at times I do know this is happening, but the majority of the time its like a dream. Going through the process of getting prepped for ivf is unmistakeable, you know its really happening. Most of the time I know that I am going in next week to have this done but its like I dont truly accept it. Does that make any sense at all? This morning driving to work I thought " im going through all of this and its very possible to get my AF within a week after transfer" you know? All of this time and preparation and it could be just like another cycle. Please dont get my wrong, I am not being negative about this at all. Its just hard for me to swallow the fact of getting pregnant after many failed attempts and 2plus years of trying. I guess I am used to the fact of things not working. I have almost accepted that fact? Then my next thought is...... so far things are going picture perfect in this cycle. I heard so many stories about woman bleeding on bcp, not me. I am responding very well to stims and have been told I have at least 29 follicles at my baseline. I have been to this rodeo and I know that it doesnt always end well. Maybe the fear is finally setting in about failure, idk. My one hope is that we are at least able to have embryos to freeze. In a way its almost like a safety net of some type for me. Im just really nervous, excited, scared, and hopeful.

Ok im done. Thanks for listening. Im sure this is very common among woman going through ivf. I will update tomorrow on my u/s and E2 levels. I have acupuncture twice this week also and day before retreival. I have to say that the money I have spent on acupuncture is well worth it! If not anything else, it has really helped my anxiety levels.

Update: I went to the bathroom and looked at my stomach. I have bruises all over! Ok yes I might be a little weird, but I am excited! Almost another right of passage with ivf patients :)

Holy Follicles!

2012-02-27T14:12:00.002-06:00

Stims day 2 and well my E2 levels are already 388. I am decreasing Follistim tonight. I asked if they are concerned that my levels are already so high? She said not at all they think I will have lots of eggs. Kinda excited about my u/s Wednesday morning.

Stims Day 3

2012-02-27T13:18:00.000-06:00

Actually as of right now its still day 2 since I dont do my injections until evening time. I did ask my nurse about that this morning. She said the reason they want me to take injections together and at night is because if we need to change any medications after bloodwork then I can do it that day and not have to wait until the next day (makes sense to me).

I can honestly say that my stims are going fantastic. Headache and some dizziness seems to be the other side effects as of now. Since im doing (3) injections per side each night, my tummy is a little sore. Actually the Lupron needle is the worst. The insulin needles are so small and dull that it never wants to penetrate my skin and I have to jab the hell out of myself for it to go through. Follistim is wonderful and Menopur is fine also. Lets just get rid of that evil Lupron, it has been nothing but a pain in the butt since day one.

My boss said "your having surgery next week?" I replied yes Joe. Then he said what are you getting done again? My reply " I am having all of my eggs aspirated. Then he looks at me and says Oh my god that doesnt sound fun. LOL the price you have to pay for a baby :) I have been very up front with my boss and coworkers about going through this. Infact I have even educated everyone, including my boss of infertility and the cost of going through ivf, emotionally, and financially. Looking at my calendar I about fell over, realizing my retreival is going to be next week! All this time I thought it would never get here and now its right around the corner. Ive been having the same conversation with my ovaries also just so they know how important it is to grow and hopefully they get the memo.

Will update my E2 levels when I hear back from clinic. Before I forget, congrats to all of the BFP's within this last week, wow!

Stims Day 1

2012-02-25T18:54:00.000-06:00

Tonight was night 1 of stims. My doctor told me the other day that once I start my stims the side effects from Lupron will be better. I decided to do all three shots in one side a night and alternate. Yay!!!! getting so close now.

Update on Personhood Act (Part One)

2012-02-24T17:48:00.000-06:00

So I went to the press conference held at the State Capital today. I was so moved after hearing the doctors, advocates and also patients who have went through ivf. I wont lie, I cried and cried some more. I dont understand how lawmakers in the State of Oklahoma can justify pushing this bill through. I dont see how they can look at "Susan" who had cancer at the age of 19 in her ovaries and survived that while in law school, married and found out the only way she could have children was through ivf. How in the holy hell do you justify this bill? Let me tell you what "Mr. Big Pants, who only cares about getting re-elected does. He comes up with a short bill that is 7 lines to use as a smoke screen to get the real bill to pass right behind. He uses the Parenthood Act as a pro-life/pro-choice and then here comes the kicker, you know the one that puts restrictions on ivf and birth control also ectopic pregnancies. Yeah I found out so much today.

Tuesday, February 29th from noon until 3 at the State Capital is a protest. I will be at this protest with my sign and a witty saying on it (still working on that part). I will be there with disgust on my face for the 38 assholes who passed this through the Senate. I will be there with disgust on my face for our Governor who is so pro-life she believes a woman should die before having an abortion. I will be there showing disgust on my face for a bill that state NO woman shall have an abortion, not in cases of rape nor incest nor medical necessity. Now will someone tell me how this is constitutional? Will someone please tell me when Senator Crane went to medical school? How he understands exactly how conception works? Oh I forgot, he didn't go to Medical School but he obviously has some right to tell me that I don't mean shit! He has the right to tell me that I have absolutely no say on my body. Well Senator Crane, I disagree and I will be there Tuesday and along with my witty sign, I will have a sign that promises your ass and the 37 others along with Governor Mary Fallin will not be reelected! Or at least you will not get my vote and any other vote from any other woman who pays tens of thousands of dollars to be able to bring a baby into this world for us to love.

Thanks for listening to my rant this evening. I just want to know what in the hell has happened to this world? Where are woman's rights in this country going?

Oklahomans please sign!

2012-02-24T09:43:00.001-06:00

http://www.change.org/petitions/persons-against-personhood-in-oklahoma?utm_medium=facebook&utm_source=share_petition&utm_term=share_with_facebook_friends

This is a petition for the Personhood Act in Oklahoma. If you cant make it to Capital to voice your concerns, please, please sign this petition and let our lawmakers know that this is NOT OK!
Come on ladies lets be proactive about our bodies and let government know they cant have control of my uterus!

Media Alert for Oklahomans

2012-02-23T13:16:00.000-06:00

Media Alert
Oklahoma Infertility Physicians and Patients to Explain Their Opposition to SB 1433 and HJR 1067 (Personhood Legislation)

WHEN: Friday February 24, 2012
WHERE: Oklahoma State Capitol Room 432B (Capitol Press Room) at 1:00pm
... SUBJECT: Medical professionals and patients opposing Personhood legislation (SB 1433 and HJR 1067)
WHO:
Atlee Breland (Mississippi): Founder of Parents against Personhood, infertility patient and mother of three; leader of Parents Against MS26, a grassroots organization integral to the defeat of Mississippi’s personhood ballot initiative in November 2011.
Dana Stone, MD (Oklahoma City): Obstetrician-gynecologist in private practice.
Eli Reshef, MD (Oklahoma City): Reproductive specialist, Medical Director, Bennett Fertility Institute.
Oklahoma Patients with Infertility.
“Personhood” legislation”, giving any biological entity from a fertilized egg on the status of a person, has been introduced this year in the Oklahoma legislation as SB 1433 (Crain, Billy) and HJR 1067 (Reynolds). The medical community and patients view such legislation as dangerous, carrying a broad range of destructive consequences to health care in Oklahoma, particularly devastating to infertility treatments.
Personhood legislation will criminalize the practice of complex infertility treatments, including the handling of embryos in the in vitro fertilization (IVF) process. Infertility affects 10-12% of all couples in Oklahoma. For many of them, IVF is the only procedure become parents. IVF, as practiced to the current standard of care, will leave physicians open to criminal prosecution if embryos are classified as legal “persons” Doctors providing IVF will consequently stop offering IVF treatments for fear of criminal prosecution and couples living with infertility in our state will be denied the opportunity to build their families.
The Oklahoma medical community, including the Oklahoma State Medical Association, as well as national organizations (including the American Society for Reproductive Medicine, American College of Obstetrician-gynecologists, and RESOLVE :The National Infertility Association), strongly oppose Personhood legislation.
Interviews are available after the press conference.

I will be attending tomorrow. I hope to see any of my fellow Oklahomans there with me. Remember this is your uterus we are fighting for.

Back Up Plan

2012-02-23T08:28:00.002-06:00

Last night driving home I looked at my husband and decided to make sure we were on the same page. He doesnt say alot about our upcoming ivf. Of course I talk about it all the time throughout the day. I have my blog, on facebook I am involved with Attain and Resolve and I also know a person or two in real life struggling. So I can honestly say that I am very involved daily in my infertility and treatment course. So last night I wanted to really get a feel for where my husband is at on this. He is still leaning towards transferring one embyro the first go around and if that doesnt work then transfer two on the second. I was on a similar page with him, but now im not so sure for the following reasons.

1. If we dont get any frozen embyros that means another fresh cycle and I would perfer not to be on Lupron until hell freezes over (if I have a choice)
2. From all the reseach and blog following I have done, you seem to have a better chance with two, even if one is the textbook perfect embryo.
3. If at all possible I would love to only do one cycle of ivf and be able to achieve pregnancy ( I also know the odds of 1st cycle being successful)

Now with all that being said (see #3) I am a complete realist and I know the odds of our first cycle working. I wanted to prepare my husband for the fact that we may not get frozen embryos, that is is the in most cases the "exception to rule" so with that being said we may only have two fresh cycles. On our Attain Multi-Cycle we paid for (2) fresh and (2) frozen. I am truly hoping that we can at least get (1) frozen cycle out of this. I know many people are probably thinking that I should just concentrate on this first ivf and not worry about anything after that. Let me make it clear that I am planning, I am a planner and I want to make sure everything is in place.

I also discussed with my husband last night that it is a possibility that none of the cycles work. At this point we need to realize that our journey is over. We have talked extensively about adoption and it is not for us. So we need to also prepare for the fact that if this doesnt work we have to move on with our lives (as hard as that will be). By the time we get ivf paid off it will be to late to start all over again. I hope and pray this wont be an option for us in the end. With that being said I have to be realistic that it is possible.

Strangly enough I am pretty calm at this point. Actually so much better then I thought I would be at this point. I have thought about all of the possibilites going into this and dont think that I will be caught off guard through this process like I was with our iuis. I have learned so much since that point. If I had anything to do over again, I would have skipped right passed iui and went to ivf. Lesson learned on that one :)

50 followers. Wow thank you ladies so much for all the love and support. I dont know where I would be without it.

* Before I forget, I know my titles for blogs are so lame but I am NOT a creative person at all :)

Oops forgot: Yes I know im all over the freaking place today, sorry. Last night I walk in my acunpuncture appointment. The first thing he always does at beginning is take my pulse. My pulse always runs really high usually 110 or so. Well last night it must have been through the roof and he asked what was going on. My reply was "Oklahoma politics and our new interstate" LOL so we had a nice long chat about Personhood Act. I almost feel like instead of "occupying wallstreet protestors" we need people at the capital fighting for rights to our uteruses! I am so passionate about this and in some ways that is really bad. I get very emotional and my blood pressure shoots through the roof. Now that the House is outnumbered 2/1 Rep over Dems, this law is a shoe in for Oklahoma and there is nothing I can do about it. I have never been so absolutely frustrated and angry in my entire life. Ok end of rant now.

Baseline

2012-02-22T08:37:00.001-06:00

I went in this morning for my baseline u/s and bloodwork. I wont have results back on estrogen until afternoon (keeping my fingers crossed its low). On my u/s my lining is 6mm, I have 14 antral follicles on right side and 15 on left side. I stopped my bcp on Saturday and im already on cd2. So everything on u/s looks pretty good. I thought my lining should be thinner then it was but the doctor didnt say anything so I suppose its ok.

I will update later this afternoon on my estrogen and hopefully its go time.

UPDATE: E2 was nice and low starting Follistim 200IU and Menopur 1 ampule on Saturday.

This is my Wordless Wednesday on Tuesday (Very Powerful)

2012-02-21T12:17:00.001-06:00

Word Verifications

2012-02-20T09:40:00.000-06:00

There are a few blogs that I tried to comment on this morning and went through the NEW word verifications least 10 times. I can not read these words and im sorry but I will not be commenting on your blogs anymore because it wastes alot of time trying to decipher two words now instead of one. Sorry guys.

Feeling Human Again

2012-02-20T08:44:00.001-06:00

I am actually back at work today and it feels good. I never miss work, ever. Today is day 9 for my Lupron and the side effects seem to be tapering off some. I took my last pill on Saturday and im currently waiting for cd1, which I hope comes before Wednesday because that is my baseline u/s. I also want to apologize for not commenting much within the last few days. I have been staying away from blogs and trying to keep my mind where it needs to be, sorry.

Yesterday one of my very close friends had thier little boy and he is the most amazing little fellow ever. I stayed at the hospital all day and held him, played with him and helped mom and dad. I cant wait for the following weeks of seeing them and it will also help me pass time of our upcoming ivf. Some days I truly think its going to work and other I find myself thinking it wont. We have (3) shots at this and then its over and my husband and I move on. I dont have the money for adoption and honestly I dont think I am cut out for adoption. Yes I know all woman going through IF should adopt (love that stereotype). I think everyday that gets closer I am so nervous. I think as of today I am 2 weeks and 1 day away from retreival, Yikes!!!!! I have the rest of my Hunger Game books coming in and have started watching SuperNatural on netflix. I just now started season 2 so that should keep me busy for weeks!

I am keeping my fingers crossed for those of you having betas today! I hope, hope, hope you get your bfp's!

Added Note after fact: My doctors office called and said I have my bloodwork/us regardless of cd 1 or not, YAY!

Sitting Home Saturday

2012-02-18T18:20:00.000-06:00

Well it is 6:15 pm here in Oklahoma and I am still in my pajamas. I know its kinda gross, but I feel terrible still. Good news, tonight is my last birth control pill and then I call my clinic with cd 1 whenever that comes. Is there a guideline on how long it takes after you stop the pills? I am set for my baseline u/s on Wednesday.

I can officially say that the Lupron and/or bcp have made me a complete emotional mess. I was watching the movie 50/50 today and found myself crying uncontrollably. WTH? I am so far from emotional and this isn't cutting it. I always grew up thinking that crying made you a weak person. I know from years of counseling that this is so far from the truth, but it is so hard to break habits that have been instilled into you since you were a toddler. As for that note, another time, another place for that story, Lol.

Personhood Act

2012-02-17T08:43:00.001-06:00

I want to say with great distaste that today I am NOT proud to be an Oklahoman. The Personhood Act was passed through the Senate and is now going through the House of Representatives (which means this bill is a shoe in for Oklahoma). I have lived here my whole life and have heard so many times that Oklahoma is completely backwoods and filled with judgmental hypocrites. I agree. This act now states that life begins at conception ( when sperm meets the egg) yes you heard that correctly. Not even an embryo yet. So now my egg and my husbands sperm have rights and let me tell you this..... I am pissed. Yes pissed at the fact that now The State Of Oklahoma is making bills that effect my egg and my husbands sperm. This new bill may not seem like much to most people, but it is HUGE for couples going through infertility. I can say with confidence that I am doing everything possible to show my representatives the DISTASTE I have for this bill. The problem with Oklahoma is it is filled with, dare I say Republicans who feel they should play god and make sure that everyone in the state abides by their beliefs in religion (pure and simple)

I am so purely fed up with Religion & Politics!

3 Weeks!

2012-02-15T09:36:00.000-06:00

One package down! This Saturday will be my last bcp hopefully forever. As of today I have (3) weeks until retreival. Sitting here leading up till the big days, I keep thinking about everything I have done in preparation. I can honestly say I have prepared my 100% for this procedure. I wont look back and have any regrets of things I could have done better or more of because there isnt anything. I feel pretty confident about the stims. I know that during all of my iuis I had a pretty decent number of follies and the doctor said I responded wonderfully. Of course according to my doctor everything is perfect with me, great ovarian reserve, etc. We all know thats not the case or I probably would have been pregnant out of (4) injectable iuis. Do I think our first ivf is going to work? Honestly I dont know. I know its hard to guess right now without all the information in front of me. I do know one thing, I promised myself and it was even part of my New Years Resolution, I cant freak out about this step by step. I cant freak on number of follies, how many matured, fertilized, etc. etc. I know honestly in my heart that what is going to happpen is going to happen and there is nothing I can do to change that fact. So this time I will try my hardest to step out of my control freak nature and just go with it. I want to have a baby more than anything, but I cant lose my sanity in the process. I know that each one of us reacts differently being in this situation and I dont think that anyone is wrong nor right. At this point the only thing I can do is still hope for the best and prepare for the worst. Also I keep thinking that getting pregnant is all in the numbers and or odds. Ive had a few failed cycles so far within last two years so eventually I am going to get a positive :)

Oh on Lupron front, today has been much better. I can actually breathe and from what I understand, breathing is a pretty important part of life. I decided this morning that as long as I am breathing then this Lupron can kiss my butt because I have things to do!

To help pass some time, I started reading the Hunger Games and I have to admit that I really love this book. I already ordered #2 from Amazon yesterday. Now when I watch the movie I will have some sense of what is going on. I think next on my reading list is the Sookie Stackhouse series. I love True Blood. I have been told by a few people that the series didnt follow the books at all. That is the only reason I have waited to read them up until now. Finally I want to read the Game of Thrones series. Btw Game of Thrones 2nd Season premiers on April 1st! If any of you have good suggestion on some books, please let me know. For the most part I read almost anything besides those pukey love novels, please! I have barf building up in my throat thinking of Fabio with his girly hair blowing in the breeze.

Next big appointment is February 22nd. We go in for our baseline u/s and also blood testing for infectious diseases.

Lupron is Evil.

2012-02-14T08:22:00.002-06:00

I take back all the kinds words I had towards my Lupron. Yes the injections are a piece of cake, but the side effects are freaking horrible! I am having really bad headaches, nausea and now dry mouth and a thirst I cant quench.

Edited: Has anyone else suffered from shortness of breath on this crap?

Sorry I am just completely bitchy today and sitting here wondering why we have to go through this shit to have a baby? At this moment, I dislike every woman in the world that get spontenously get pregnant.

The End.

First Snow!

2012-02-13T09:03:00.000-06:00

I am excited and saddened to annouce our first Oklahoma snow of the season and most likely our last :( I really wanted a cold snowy winter this year but no luck with our unseasonably warm weather. At least I took a picture of it!

On the sickness front, I definitely think it is a sinus issue. I am still really lightheaded and dizzy. I have tons of mucus running down my throat, along with headaches and nausea. I am riding the sinus storm out and hopefully it will pass within the next week.

Night 1 of Lupron

2012-02-12T18:28:00.000-06:00

To bad all of my injections aren't more like Lupron. I love the teeny tiny needle also :)

To Refrigerate or Not?

2012-02-11T21:42:00.000-06:00

Ok ladies, I knew if anyone could answer this for me, it would be one of my fellow bloggers. I was watching a YouTube video on Lupron injections and the woman mentioned refrigerating it. I didn't go to my injection classes at clinic since we have done Menopur before that that was the hardest one to mix. Am I suppose to refrigerate my Lupron after opening? I would call and ask clinic but I start injections tomorrow night and they have answering service on weekends unless its an emergency. Any help would be really appreciated.

Oh and on sickness front, my throat is really sore tonight. I sure hope im not getting strep, ugh.

Still Feeling Blah

2012-02-11T11:02:00.000-06:00

I am now really starting to think that it wasnt my blood sugar that bottomed out. Three days later and im still feeling exactly the same. The lightheadedness is killing me, I hate that feeling. Ive been walking around for a few days now feeling disconnected and like im going to pass out any minute, ugh. My nose has been running for over a week now, maybe it is a sinus infection of some sort and my inner ears are messed up. Either way, I would really like to feel better soon. Im going to try to finish cleaning and then lay down for a bit. It has taken me almost an hour to clean our office and it wasnt even dirty (ugh).

Hope everyone has a great weekend. Tomorrow I start my Lupron and as of today, seven days and counting until im done with bcp.

The "S" Workup for Ivf

2012-02-10T15:18:00.000-06:00

Just got a call from our clinic and DH's sperm work up was excellent. I didnt ask about the (3) M's. What is the sense of asking when all I will do is googling and try to find something better and worry. Nope. So she said they will do ICSI on a few and natural fertilization on them also. I explained to her that we already talked to Dr. H about this and made it very clear we are doing ICSI on at least 90% of the eggs and natural on remaining. Heck since its our choice and ICSI has a higher fertilization rate, that is what I want. She is so sweet. She said she would put a huge note in our chart that way there was no miscommunication on what our wishes were.

I really feel good about this.

Rough Night

2012-02-10T09:15:00.001-06:00

Yes this was me yesterday toward the end of work and most of the night. Since ive been eating better, I no longer have anykind of sugary snacks at work (bad idea). I didnt put much thought into my food yesterday at work. Didnt eat breakfast, no snack and for lunch I had a little bowl of brown rice. My sugar bottomed out around 2 and I was so sick to my stomach. I took a phenagran and I think that made things ten times worse. Thank goodness my DH and I drove together and he drove us home. I think mistake #2 was getting home and finding the wrong kind of sugar. I ate two handfuls of cinamon toast crunch and a half of glass of my daughters Cierra Mist, eww. I felt like shit all night long. I passed out on couch until 8 last night and then went to bed and slept until 7:30 this morning. Lesson learned. Today I bought some peanuts to snack, but I still dont feel 100%.

Ok enough whinning. Its friday and I start Lupron in two days!

Apologize

2012-02-09T12:57:00.000-06:00

Most of the people on here that follow my blog and vice/versa have never met me in real life. If you did know me, then you would know that I am a kind, good person and never stride to be hurtful to anyone going through a struggle in life. I wont lie, I am an asshole sometimes although I try not to be. If you are following my blog, please know that things can easily be misconstrued. Reading a blog is simply looking at words and even with exclamation points etc. its hard for your emotions or words to be taken in the correct concept every now and then. Now with that being said (here comes the bad part of me), this is my blog and its a place where I feel comfortable to write how I am feeling and I can be 100% uncensored and honest. If you feel offended by something I write, please feel free to email me at tonisharapp@yahoo.com and lets discuss the issue.

Going through primary and/or secondary infertility is hard. I know from personal experience it has really effected me in so many ways and it has effected my relationships with friends, families and even my husband. There is no easy answer or way around it and hopefully it is a fight we will all overcome. Just remember that what is right for one person isnt always right for the next and we may all express our feelings and/or actions in different ways.

I hope everyone has a great day. I will truly try not to piss another person off this week.

Sharing

2012-02-08T10:23:00.000-06:00

Here is another one of the things I love....... My tattoo.

2012-02-08T09:05:00.002-06:00

I think last night after I sat at the table staring at all of my medications, it really, really hit me. This is real and I, Tonisha am going through ivf. I guess I knew from the moment we walked in the door at the RE's office that I would be doing ivf, but it just doesnt get anymore real then this huh. Today is day16 of bcp and I start Lupron this Sunday evening. After examining all of my medications, the only one that scares me somewhat is the progesterone oil. I am not afraid of needles and shots dont bother me, but it seems that needle is the size of a freaking pencil, LOL. and for 10 weeks? I told my husband last night to get prepared and he looked at me all sad and said " honey I dont have to get prepared, you do. YOur the one that is getting a huge needle in your butt" I am hoping that he is one of those people who give good shots :)

Last week at our ART consult we discussed with our doctor the number of embryos he recommended transferring. To be very honest we want one healthy baby. I know doing ivf the chances of twins are alot higher. We have talked about this for months and asked our doctor if maybe the first go around we could transfer one and if that didnt take maybe the second go around we would transfer two. He doesnt recommend that for us, infact he strongly stated he thinks we should transfer two (of course this is also based on the condition of embryos when transfer comes.) Since my husband and I will both be 37 this year. Im sorry guys but the thought of twins scare me! I know that people say things always work out and I do believe that to some extent but I am still scared to death of the notion of twins. I think financially moreso then anything else. Guess on the day of transfer the ultimate decision will be made and I did tell the doctor that we 100% trust his opinions and experiences.

Tonight is acupuncture and im really looking forward to some relaxation time :) I told my acupuncturist about all the lovely ladies on my blog and he thinks that is so amazing to have support from woman all over the world. I agreed.

Meds!

2012-02-07T19:24:00.002-06:00

As promised. A right of passage among us ladies going through ivf. Without further adue:

Touch Back!

2012-02-07T11:42:00.002-06:00

I always forget except for today. 40 Followers, wow thanks so much for the ongoing support you ladies show me. I know all of you have helped get me through some pretty crappy days. Now onto my story for the day:

Yes ladies you heard me, the doctor touched the back of the uterus today after only 15 minutes. My mock transfer was a 100% success. He said that he "finally figured out the combination" LMAO! So my second piece of great news. I finally got up the courage to weigh myself at the RE office. I havent weighed since I started my new healthier eating plan and im down 8 lbs. I was really happy to see that implementing better foods and getting rid of bad ones could actually make a difference with NO exercise and it did. Ok last bit of great news and my biggest blessing by far is my donation of follistim by a dear, dear friend. I went to meet her last night and pick up medications. I get home and start looking.... Holy cow I was wrong on the amount I thought she was giving me. I thought it was a box of 600iu, WRONG. I ended up with 5 unopened boxes of 900iu. Today when I told me nurse her mouth literally hit the floor. We have enough for both fresh cycles if needed. I really hope that we get pregnant on the 1st for cycle for obvious reasons but also I want to bless someone going through this journey like I was blessed. Please keep your fingers crossed that I will have left over medications that I can donate to someone.

The rest of my meds will be delivered today and I cant wait to post pics *giggles*

Rambling

2012-02-06T08:08:00.002-06:00

Well I would be lieing if I said I wasnt a little nervous about tomorrow. If there is anyone out there that has good luck vodoo, please send it my way. Second attempt at my mock transfer is scheduled for 11 tomorrow. The procedure doesnt scare me, possible surgery doesnt scare me either. What does make me somewhat nervous is the fact that the real transfer wont go smoothly and I will bleed and cramp because my doctor cant get the cathedar through. Come up cervix and uterus, please work for Dr. H tomorrow and be well behaved ladies. I am still pretty much on down time waiting for stims to roll around. Today is day 14 of bcp and I still Lupron this Sunday. Step two! Even if I do have to have surgery, Dr. H said we will stay on plan for March 6th retrevial. No side effects from bcp still and that is awesome. Out of all of my medications I was most nervous about them. I remember my younger days and how sick I was from those mean little pills. Not sure what to expect from the Lupron. I know exactly what to expect from Menopur, we are old friends. Tomorrow my medications will be here and of course I have to post a pic of them. Kinda a right of passage, dont you think?

With retrevial getting closer I am getting more and more excited! Do I think it will work? Well I have a pretty good chance and I am feeling pretty confident. Am I prepared if it doesnt? Yes actually I am. The only thing I hope for if our fresh cycle fails is that we were able to get some frozen embabies for FET. I feel pretty confident that within our 4 cycles we will get pregnant. I know alot of you are thinking im crazy. To tell the truth, I cant be negative about this and worry about every single thing that could go wrong. It is way to stressful and it literally makes me sick to my stomach. My hope is I can take everyday with stride and keep moving forward. If I get a bfn, then I will deal with it at that time. If we get pregnant, then I will be happy and cherish everyday im pregnant and keep all those nasty thoughts of "what if" in the back of my head. Since this will be our first and last child together, I want to cherish every second of the journey.

I know a few of my blogger buddies have beta's today. I have been thinking of them and hoping for a happy, happy day. As for the rest of us getting ready for ivf, try to stay postive. I am beginning to believe that being postive is good for your soul :)

Sometimes the truth hurts.

2012-02-05T09:45:00.000-06:00

Ive been thinking about this topic for the last week or so. Thinking how can I blog about this and not offend people to much. The last thing I want to do is offend or upset other woman going through what I am. I hope if you fall into the category of what im getting ready to rant about, you know that it is toward your doctor and not you.

The past few weeks I have noticed pure negligance coming from some of the RE's that treat my fellow bloggers. One of the most noticable things im talking about is stimming for ivf. I read a story a few weeks ago about a persons E2 levels reaching 11,000 and of course she got OHSS and it was really, really bad. I was thinking to myself, wow that is a high level. Last week during my ART consult I asked my doctor a few things concerning me about our upcoming cycle. #1 was OHSS, I was so scared and feeling so bad for this person who had just suffered through an excruiating case of it. My main concern was over stimulating. He then went on to explain to me that they are very conservative when it comes to OHSS and in his years of practice he has only had a handful of cases. So I then go onto ask about the appropiate levels of E2 for stimming. Of course every case differs some but he said usually 2,000 and 4,000 was borderline of being to high and possibly cancelling cycle. He said with 100% certainty that 11,000 was an absolute no, no. He of couse didnt say anyting bad about another RE, but in his experience 11,000 is dangerous high. I read another blog last night of a person having E2 levels of 7,000 and her doctor doesnt seem to think its an issue either. I honestly believe that the MOST important part of a patient/doctor relationship is trust. #1 first and foremost! I want to believe that my doctor has my health at his number one priority and I can trust him to get me through this process healthy. I am sorry if I have offended any of you, that is not my intention at all. It just concerns me that not all doctors have their patients health concerns at the top and maybe rather #'s of success instead.

I know that I am very lucky and blessed to have such a wonderful caring person to hopefully get us pregnant. He may be more on the conservative side with all of his practices, but you know what, im completely ok with that.

Medications Ordered

2012-02-03T13:08:00.000-06:00

Ok so this post is going to be full of happiness. I dont know if I mentioned this before, but my clinic gave me enough Menopur for a full cycle. My good friend had Follistim that she never used and she is giving that to me also. So today Walgreens called with the rest of my order. 900iu of Follistim, HCG trigger shot, Lupron and progesterone. My total came to $998.22! I am so happy that we saved money on our medications I could jump up and down. Lets hope the good luck keeps coming with a successful mock transfer next week. Oh btw im on day 11 of bcp and doing really well. I am back to suffering from my insomnia, but the sleep was good while it lasted :)

Wonderful Things

2012-02-03T08:57:00.000-06:00

Every now and then I like to post pictures of wonderful things in my life:

This was our 1 year anniversary trip to New Mexico and Colorado:

No Raining on my Parade

2012-02-02T12:42:00.002-06:00

I went in for my mock transfer and SHG this morning. Neither happened. My RE did a hysteroscopy on me about 8 months ago and removed an adheision so he said I dont need another one. My mock transfer... HAHAH sorry but I am laughing about this because I refuse to be negative about this stuff anymore. After a full bladder, 3/4 bladder and 1/2 bladder, plus (3) different cathedars and over an hour, he couldnt get the cathedar to go through to the uterus. My poor doctor, he is such a perfectionist and he was getting so flustered. The poor nurse keep picking up the exterior u/s and shaking the cramps out of her hands from the constant pressure for so long. I just looked at my husband and shook my head. Of course my doctor referred to all (4) of my iuis being hard also to thread through the cathedar, and it was. This time it was not going. He was sure to make it absolutely clear to us that our transfer will be "really hard" I will be the last patient of the day and he said they will have to take their time because he cant cause absolutely any bleeding or irritation. I am going back in next Tuesday for another try at the mock and if he still cant get the cathedar through, I will have surgery next Friday. The good news is, even with surgery on next Friday I will still be set on schedule for my transfer on March 6th.

I have to say that I trust my RE 100% and I am putting all my faith in his hands. We talked about OHSS due to the concerns I had over fellow bloggers suffering through it. Thank god my RE is very conservative and he has never had levels go over 4,000 since hes been there. We also talked about ICSI and he will do that with the majority of our eggs and let a few naturally fertilize. I also had a internal u/s today so he could look for obstructions. My linning was 5 and I had 15 antra follicles on the left and 11 on the right. That made me pretty happy. I think when the time comes, we will have a pretty good amount of eggs. He also said that since weve been on injectables before, he knows how I stimulate and alot of people dont have that luxury cause they went straight to ivf. With this information he said my chances of OHSS are VERY slim to almost none.

We should be hearing from the pharmacy within a day or two and get our medications done. LIke I said in my title "No Raining on my Parade" I am going to get through this and take everything that happens in stride.

One a final note, did you know that you can do a egg transfer through your abdomin? I didnt know that, but my doctor said that was last resort option.

* After my appointment I was thinking to myself if we would have to pay for our mock transfer twice since this one didnt work. The nurse just called me back and she talked to my doctor. He said even though they went through alot of costly cathedars it wasnt my fault so no we wont be charged again next week. See its times like this that I know I choose the right clinic to take the best care of me.

ART Consult

2012-02-01T10:01:00.001-06:00

So I have my Art Consult tomorrow and would welcome any advice. Does the mock transfer feel similar to iui? What aboug SHG? I am really nervous. I hope that my SHG comes back ok so I can keep moving along with my ivf. I know on the financial aspect of things tomorrow, we should be looking at $700 out of pocket for consult and I think we will also be ordering our medications, so maybe $2,000 for that? Not sure on exact numbers, but I will blog about it tomorrow. I did read through my Attain contract and found out that ICIS is part of our treatment plan, so it is included and not extra out of pocket for that. I was so worried. I know I blogged a few weeks ago if it was worth the added cost. I definitely think it is and already had my mind made up that we would get the money together somehow for it. So this was a huge relief. Geez I am getting so nervous. My anxiety is through the roof lately. It seems to be increasing daily and yes my shortness of breath is back, along with dizziness and chest pains. What I would do for a xanax or two right now. Hopefully tonight during acupuncture I can bring up my anxiety and panic issues and he can help me out somewhat. I hate the fact that its with me in my life. I think it is something I will never get rid of, only learn to keep dealing with the symptons. You would think after 15 years of this I should be used to it by now. Can you ever get used to anxiety and panic? Ok so im done whinning for the day. I will update tomorrow with results on my art consult, along with cost.

Anger

2012-01-31T09:15:00.000-06:00

As you can tell I am more then a little frustrated with Mr. "Dont do as I do, but as I say". There has been alot of controversary on the article where he stated "I believe life begins at conception, and the question I was raising was what happens to embryos in fertility clinics, and I would favor a commission to look seriously at the ethics of how we manage fertility clinics,” Gingrich said at a news conference outside another Baptist church here. “If you have in vitro fertilization, you are creating life; therefore, we should look seriously at what the rules should be for clinics that are doing that, because they are creating life.”
It finally hit me this morning like a brick in the face. Up until this point I couldnt really figure out why so many couples were so private about going through ivf. Why wouldnt they be? Hell look at this jerk who is making all of us feel like we are completely immoral and horrible people because we want children. Last time I checked, our embryos are OURS, not the governments and not lawmakers, but mine and yours. I know that no law will be put in place before my ivf, but I worry for woman down the road. I dont want thier right to seek treatment to be taken away from them.

One thing I do know. I am so very proud that we are going down this road. It has not been easy, infact its one of the hardest things Ive ever done. I will continue to be very open about our struggle and our treatment. I will be very proud to say we got our baby through ivf. No one will ever take joy away from me, ever.

As far as people like Mr. Cheating pants...... well I think the karma bus will turn his corner one day.

RE/OB

2012-01-30T12:20:00.000-06:00

I dont know if I have mentioned this in my blog but after 6 months of ttc and having no luck, my pcp mentioned that I should take some valum or anything that would " calm me down so I could get pregnant". Yeah he was a complete asshole and very insenstive. I then found a ob after that and went in to have a pap and bloodwork done. She seemed to think everything was fine and just suggested I keep doing what we were doing. Well I am a very outspoken person and that just didnt cut it. I informed her that with my age and 6 months of ttc and nothing, I wanted to be put on clomid (thanks Dr. Google). and if she didnt, I would find another doctor that would. She agreed and we started clomid, another few months and nothing so I decided to find a new ob at the hosptial my husband works for. I found the ob/gyn clinic and called for a new patient appointment. The lady answering the phone was so very sweet and asked what doctor I wanted. I didnt know there were multiple doctors, so I told her that I would perfer a woman and she set me up with an appointment with Dr. Hansen. Our first consult with her lasted over an hour and she talked to us about everything. I felt so happy and content that I actually found a great ob, FINALLY! Well she had me stay on the clomid for another month or so and did all the necessary testing on sperm, fsh etc. Everything came back normal. Our next appointment she went over our test results and said that we needed to get referred over to a RE. Guess what............ my RE that I am seeing now is her husband. Yes a husband and wife team. Let me tell you what, I have never been so happy with my choices, as the day I chose her. My last hope is that her husband will get me pregnant (not personally, lol) and I can go back to seeing her through a pregnancy. I know most woman have that fear of being released to the ob , but I know for a fact I would never be in better hands and have a compassionate woman who knows and can understand what we went through to make it that far.

I love my clinic and I dont really care what the success rates are with ivf, or if they are in the top ten list of clinics. I have something so much better, a place that truly cares for my best interest and will listen to me and give me a shoulder to cry on. Now that is priceless!

Just Another Sunday..........

2012-01-29T09:02:00.000-06:00

Ok so my dogs are so funny! I woke up this morning to let them out before feeding them. About 20 mins later I am laying in bed and my sheltie "izzy" starts knocking on the back door. He was saying "ok mom we are hungry". I think it is so adorable when he does that and I love the fact how much animal can communicate with us. Gosh I love all of my animals. I might go as far as to say that I am a beginning animal hoarder. We have (3) large dogs. "Izzy" is our sheltie, "Boomer" is our chocolate lab, "Porter" is our lab mix that was rescued off the mean streets of Trenton, N.J. We also have "Max" our tiger stripped kitty and "Lillie" our tabby. I also feed (3) neighborhood cats that owners left them. Oh and my fat ole squirrels :) Ok yes I have a problem, but I love animals so much! They depend on us to live and that is one task I wont default on. Plus they give you such unconditional love. I wont lie though, keeping my house sparkling clean with this many animals does eat up alot of time. Im sure there will be adjustments made if we get pregnant.

Yesterday we met up with two great friends for hibatchi. They are expecting their first little boy anytime now. Out of all the pregnancy annoucements I get on a weekly basis, I am SO happy about this one. They are amazing people. NOt to go into the whole story, but my one friend was told she would never get pregnant and basically went on with her life and accepted it. Surprise! They also asked my husband and I told be god-parents ( which is such a compliment). I already know that I will love this little guy to pieces :) Now for all the other pregnancy annoucements, they call shove a sock down their throats because im not hearing it.

I read a blog last night about a fellow IFer suffering through a horrible case of OHSS and I wont lie, it has scared the shit out of me! That has been my biggest fear all along with moving forward on ivf. My doctor already said I response so well to stimulation medications. I know that on all of my iuis at baseline I had about 20 or more follicles. I know that what will happen, will happen, but its still really scary to think of that. Today is day 6 on bcp and im feeling pretty well. Ive had some headaches and fatigue, but thats about it. Hell I had worse side effects from Menopur so this is a walk in the park so far. Ive also caught myself commiting the ultimate IFer cardinal sin. I have been googling baby furniture and nursery sets. I know, know, know that I shouldnt do this but I can help myself. I feel pretty confident of our chances with ivf, even if it doesnt take the 1st time, we have bought multi-cycle. Someone slap me back to reality. I know all of us handle going through ivf differently and early pregnancy differently. I hope and pray that "IF" we do get pregnant I can accept it and enjoy it and not stress out about possible problems. As high strung as is already, that might cause me to have a freaking heart attack. I know, easier said then done. An unfortanate side effect of suffering through this is knowing ALL the things that could happen. NO more blissful ignorance from any of us...... Geez what I would do to have the blissful ignornance.

Well our next big appointment is this Thursday for our ART consult and hopefully our SHG and mock transfer go well. I also am very thankful that my clinic will knock me completely out for our transfer!

Birth Control Fatigue?

2012-01-27T08:52:00.001-06:00

Ok ladies im curious to side effects from bcp. Have any of you had extreme fatigue from taking them? I shouldnt complain because im actually sleeping all through the night now. I have suffered from insomnia for many years and now im tired and in bed before 9, its kinda nice. Oh and im itchy! Not super itchy, but itchy.

Any input would be appreciated!

2012-01-26T08:33:00.000-06:00

I am really starting to believe that there is something to this acupuncture. When I left last night, I felt absolutely amazing! I went to bed last night and slept through the whole night and my husband had to actually wake me up this morning. I know for a fact that my stress level is WAY down. If not for any other reason then stress, I am happy that im seeing him. At first I questioned the fact we are spending almost $1,000 for treatments. I thought this was money that could have went elsewhere, but know I realize its the best money I have every spent. Since I am on the birth control period right now, my acupuncturist is doing a nice relaxing method and getting my body ready to become pregnant. I get to lie on my back with pillows and listening to relaxing music. Heck I almost feel like im floating around. The one thing I have noticed while undergoing this treatment. Dont ever move any limb where a needle is at. A nice pain will shoot through your body and then tingle, not the best feeling :) When we start our stims he will switch over to the other treatment with electric. I wont lie, I am not at all fond of this treatment, but hopefully we will only do it 2 or 3 times.

My DH and I are doing great again. Heck in the (3) years weve been married I think weve had about 2 or 3 fights. We really sat down and talked about the finances involved. His big problem wasnt until after baby is born and the cost of baby and paying off ivf cost. Luckily we did a budget and figured that with some trimming we could have everything paid off in record time. We did have to give up some things that we enjoy doing, but it was well worth it.

one the bcp front, im on day (2) and 26 more days to go and I can throw these suckers out the window :)

Dare to Dream

2012-01-25T10:21:00.002-06:00

So last night I caught myself actually planning for a baby. Up until this point I havent really thought about this stuff because I dont want to get hurt anymore. I wonder if it is ok to really open myself up and give myself permission to think about a cute nursery, how will my older daughter react to a new baby? What about my dogs? And yes we have already picked out names for either boy or a girl. This has been done for almost a year in a half now, so that is one thing I dont think about. I keep telling myself not to have these thoughts, but it seems like that is the only thing right now that I can have..... is thoughts of what a new baby would be like.

Our clinic gave us a 50% chance of ivf working. My acupuncturist also said that our treatment will increase our 50% chance. Hmmm could this really be a possiblity? I am still trying to prepare for the worst and hope for the best. I think that is the safest option right now. Hopefully this Christmas I will be able to use one of my baby names. A girl can dream :)

Also reading over my calendar on last day it says " Pregnancy Test is 15 days after the egg retreival. Once pregnant, plan to continue progesterone until 10 weeks of pregnancy" Did you notice it said "once pregnant" ? hehehe, me giggling.

Of course since we have already picked names, we have also picked a bedding set too. I picked this out about 2 years ago and loved it so much, espeically being neutral.... What do you think?

Whos Starting.....

2012-01-24T14:15:00.001-06:00

Who is starting bcp? Its me, its me! I start my pills tonight. The nurse asked when the last time I took bcp was. My answer was ummmm maybe when I was like 16? It could have been 17, but it has been way to long. She explained to me how to use them and they dont want me to start my period next cycle ( Didnt know that one). Our ART consult is February 2nd! I know that all you ladies already know this, but its new for me so im going to post everything. We will do our mock transfer and SHG, plus get our calendar. She said we should start stims around Feb. 26th.. Right on track.

UPDATED: I just recieved my calendar. I am scheduled for retrevial on 3/6, 3/7 or 3/8.

Part 3 and (hopefully) Final Installment

2012-01-24T08:18:00.000-06:00

So after a very lengthy dicussion last night with DH, I am moving forward with our treatment. I talked to the nurses yesterday at my clinic and they said that the latest I could start bcp is tomorrow. Talking about a last minute decision. I think more then financial reasons, my DH thought I didnt really listen to him and I was dismissing his thoughts in general. I can understand where he is coming from, I tend to be very harsh to most people, but I have really been working on this, especially with my husband. Financially we did look at other ways for the rest of money owed on ivf and I think we came to a good compromise. This journey is not at all what I expected. Honestly ladies I dont know how we all keep our shit together and make it through this. I do know one thing for sure. We as in woman who suffer through (IF) are much stronger mentally then woman who dont.

Thanks for all the support during the last day. I know that whatever happens to me, I always have such an amazing group of woman that have been there and know how im feeling. Having a support group going through this is absolutely priceless, thank you so much.

Looks like I will be starting bcp today and/or tomorrow. I am back on track and it feels good.

Stick a fork in me (Part 2)

2012-01-23T15:32:00.000-06:00

Ok so I left work this morning and came home. I couldnt keep my shit together good enough to do anything. Let me start all of this over and hopefully it will make some more sense. After the taxes last night I was really upset with DH since we were going to use this on our medications. I was hoping that we wouldnt have to take out another loan if we got enough back on taxes. As of now we have to pay 152 dollars to federal and 651 to state (which is really ok and not a big deal). For anyone that knows my DH knows he is a HUGE tight ass (seriously) he ALWAYS stresses about money. To put this in perspective, we dont have any insurance to cover IF, but we dont make 6 figures between the two of us. We are not starving by anymeans. He grew up with his parents always struggling and poor and he thinks that will be us if were not careful. I would like to remind him that he grew up with one person working in family and his mom staying home with (3) kids, that is a HUGE difference. I should have know taking this loan was going to push him over the edge.

So on the way to work this morning (we drive together into the city) he said that he was up all night thinking about our situation. He came up with (3) options:

1. To get an additional loan to cover cost of medications and other things not included ( $,5,000)
2. Get a refund from Attain and pay for one full cycle through our clinic (that way we could get meds)
3. Get refund from Attain and finish paying off our two vehicles, plus his one cc and that way we could be completely out of debt and save around 1,500 a month for 6 months and pay for a cycle through our clinic.

He then went on to tell me that his "suggestions" were not thought of emotionally like mine are and this is a very good finanical decision for us. This way we dont have to be stressed about paying loans etc. while getting pregnant. Well I was so fucking pissed I told him he had lost his mind. Sorry but at that time I couldnt get my shit together to debate on why his idea wouldnt work. He then said that over the six month period we could work on our relationship due to how stressed its become going through all of this. Which may I add, he said he did understand why I dont like having sex and I think of it as a job.

Ok here is my rebuttle to his financial new plan for us:

1. Even though the doctor said I have a good ovarian reserve, we are 36 going on 37 this year. Putting this off for at least 6 months doesnt make sense.

2. Attain program is 15,450 for (2) fresh cycles (2) frozen cycles. If we get refund and pay for cycle by cycle at our clinic, its 10K plus medications for fresh and about 2,700 for FET.

3. If we do pay of vehicles and his little credit card, what then? Things always pop up financially. How do I know that we will save that 1,500 a month for ivf? He always stresses about financies, how would this be different?

I think I also have very valid points. Furthermore I think the thing that pissed me off most about this whole conversation was..... When I asked why he didnt say anything sooner, his response was " you said you were doing this with or without me" Ok that is something I never remember saying. He is my partner, how would I make this decision without him? That is the most hurtful part. He hasnt been against any of this until the zero hour and then watch out DH is going to get everything off his chest.

Now I feel whatever decision I make, its a decision at all. If I fight for our chance to do ivf with Attain, then maybe he will go along with it and resent me. If we get our money back and do it his way, I will resent him for doing this to me. It is a lose, lose situtation. I hate to say this, but im to the point where I want to throw my hands up in the air with my white flag and surrender, seriously. I didnt know the amount of stress this causes on marriages and people. Its days like today, I wish I wasnt married. I love my husband so much, but I am completely overwhelmed and I dont know how much more of this I can really deal with.

Thanks for all the support. I know my earlier post was kinda scattered and bits/pieces. I dont know where we go from here. I called my clinic yesterday and left a message about starting bc and having our consult. I never heard back from them today, (Maybe its a sign) that this isnt the road im suppose to be on.

I dont know if I will talk to DH about this tonight. I am still so filled with anger and hurt that its going to be hard to even look at him. I feel betrayed more then anything. I have no idea where I stand with our clinic as of right now. When I said he dropped the bomb on the zero hour, I meant it.

Stick a fork in me because im done.

2012-01-23T08:08:00.000-06:00

WARNING THIS BLOG WILL CONTAIN EXPLICT LANGUAGE:

What a way to start off the week. At work, in tears and my makeup is completely gone. So on the way to work this morning my husband decided to drop a bomb on me. Last night while filing taxes I found out that he claimed (2) on his w4's and so did I, big oops. Now instead of getting money back that we were going to use on the cost of medications, we owe money for federal and state. Well anyone that knows my husband knows he freaks the fuck out about money. So this morning driving to work he informs me that we need to pull our money from the Attain Program. We need to pay off both vehicles and a credit card and then save money for a ivf treatment through our clinic and that way we wont be in debt. Oh and then we can work on our relationship (that has been suffering) Since I now look at sex as a job and we are stressed out. Really? you fucking drop all this shit on me while driving to w ork on a MOnday morning? Furthermore he said that I didnt give him a choice in this decision. Really? Cause I remember having the conversation with you! I am so fucking pissed right now I could seriously knock someones head off! How dare him bring this shit up on the day im suppose to go in and start bcp. So we can get our money back and pay off bills and then what comes up next that we werent expecting to pay. We will never be able to afford ivf then. I am throwing in the towel. I am so over fucking stressed that I just cant deal with this shit anymore!

The CD1....... I thought would never come....

2012-01-22T08:19:00.001-06:00

Thanks ladies for all the voodoo wish on AF. I will call my RE's office in the morning and get everything scheduled for ivf. I am pretty damn excited today :)

CD28

2012-01-20T15:51:00.002-06:00

Still waiting..................... tapping foot................ checking................... tapping foot.

She is never, ever, ever late until I need to start bcp pills and then AF is like "haha screw you" She is such a bitch, seriously.

Acupuncture & Company Dinner

2012-01-19T08:34:00.003-06:00

So last night was a complete success. Im not sure if I went into much detail about my last acupuncture treatment, so if I did I will aplogize for telling the story again. On my first visit I had a mixture of different techniques. My doctor said he basically takes the best from different experts and customizes a treatment. I had to lay on my stomach with my face through one of those little holes. Then he added electric to my needles so I felt pretty weird to say the least. #1 I hate people touching me, #2 I am kinda Claustrophobic, so that freaked me out some. #3 when I moved my toes a weird electric sensation went through my body and I had a huge panic attack in the middle of my treatment. I know it seems a little lame and unfortnanetly I suffer from massive panick attacks and have for almost 15 years now. Thank goodness I can get them under control at this point in my life. So anyway im getting off track here. After my appointment I felt really good, but wasnt real happy about the actual procedure. So last night I was NOT looking forward to going. I tried to stay positive and went in knowing what was going to happen. Well thank goodness since im not on my stimluation part of preparing yet, the treatment was different last night! I was able to lay on my back with nice fluffy pillows. I had 13 needles and the treatment was wonderful. He said right now we are cleansing my body for ivf and I have to admit, it was a truly amazing experience. He did put some seeds in my ears on three of my pressure points for stress, progesterone, and ovaries. Now I just have to find them in my ears and masage until next week....... pretty cool! I wont lie, acupuncture is really expensive and especially that I have to go every week, but I have decided to give up other things and pay for this. I want the best shot possible for a successful ivf.

Here is the pic of my little seeds in ears

So now on to dinner....................................................

I am always the early one out of office so my husband and I were the first ones there. This gave us the chance to act like teenagers and take pics of the beautiful wine cellar before anyone else got there :) I told my husband no pictures of the food either, LOL I didnt want to be the redneck couple at the country club. JK. Here are some pictures of the room. It is very dark in there so pics are the best, but you can get the idea

Of course my one co-worker who claims to be dying everyday was half an hour late and we had to wait on her. I wasnt really happy about that since it was a work evening and I come into work before 8. She doesnt really care much since she doesnt blow in until after 2 in afternoon. (OK yes im bitter about this :) ) We had amazing food and amazing wine and great conversation with the bosses. My boss told me husband that I run his office and if it wasnt for me, they wouldnt have a smoothly running company. He also told him that he can throw anything my direction and I will figure it out. It was really nice to hear that compliment from him. So we finally got home close to 11 last night. It was a long day, but really nice. Also the chocolate brownies with bacon.... my husband loved them! I wasnt the biggest so I gave him mine :) I do have to say that the steak was the best ive ever had and Ive had some good steak before. It was so tender and juicy you could cut it with your fork.

Before I forgot on the ttc front. I am still waiting for AF. The only thing I can think is my cycle is messed up due to the chemical pregnancy last month? I have no idea, but I am so ready for this. I am learning that with IF, if you expect you are let down. She does whatever she wants and when she wants. Fingers crossed I will be able to call doctor to start bcp anyday!

Our dinner menu this evening...

2012-01-18T11:33:00.000-06:00

Here is our menu for this evenings company dinner:

Cristalino Cava

Foie Gras Torchon on Apple Palmier

Char Sui Pork Belly on Wonton Crisp

Cheese Sandwich

Salad

Green Salad with Fresh Citrus & Citrus Vinaigrette

Hyppolyte Reverdy -Sancerre

Entrée

Filet of Beef(8-9oz)

Risotto with Brussel Sprouts, Squash and Tomato Confit

Veal Jus

Upstart Crow Cabernet Sauvignon

Dessert

Chocolate Bacon Brownie(small size, 1gluten free)

Blueberry Tart

Schmitt Shone Auslese

I know I cant pronounce half of this stuff. I will glady try it and form a better opinion though. Wish me luck.

Diet Change

2012-01-18T08:18:00.002-06:00

Well I have been sticking with my new eating habit and its paying off. My breakfast includes one slice of rye toast and hard boiled egg along with glass of water. My lunch I am having steamed fresh brocolli and caulflower along with a small portion of protein. My snacks during the day include a fresh fruit, usually pineapple. My dinners arent anything special, just smaller portions. I dont own a scale because I dont want to obsess over my weight. I have noticed that all my pants are becoming looser so that is a great sign. I feel better also and have more energy.

Tonight is acpunuture and then dinner with my office. I am not looking forward to dinner at all!. I have to deal with a negative, whiney co-worker enough as is and dont want to spend any of my personal time dealing with it. Unfortnantely these dinners tend to last about 3 1/2 hours. Hopefully my acupunuture will kick in and I can sit quietly through dinner.

On ttc front, there is really nothing to report, ugh! Today is CD26 and is usually the day AF comes to town. Nothing yet, but I have cramps! yay! It is so weird to be suffering from IF and wanting AF to show up so I can start bcp (just plain weird). We recieved our letter from Attain yesterday basically saying thank you for spending our life savings with them and they hope things work out, LOL... It still makes me giggle that this stuff is so business oriented. I look at it like its our lives and its just business to other people. Oh well the point is, we have paid for the biggest part of the ivf and hopefully there will only be a few thousand left for us to come up with.

And finally, I AM SO EFFING TIRED OF FB PREGNANCY ANNOUCEMENTS! and especially the " im 4weeks pregnant, so little time!" and the "please let me know if you have maternity clothes, someone will need them soon" blah blah blah. I am SO not going to be one of those people. IF has already stolen that from me. It seems the more I hide people on there, the more they freaking pop up.

ICSI

2012-01-16T13:56:00.001-06:00

I was wondering if any of you ladies had advice on doing icsi. My doctor told us a few months back that if we decided to do ivf he would opt for us to do icsi. Basically he said that we are at the point he doesnt care why we arent getting pregnant, he just wants us to get pregnant. I know that the fertilization with icsi is more expensive, but everything I read shows it really helps with successful fertilization.

Any thoughts?

So far so good.

2012-01-16T08:53:00.001-06:00

I know that we are only three weeks into the new year, but my new mindset has really made such a huge difference. I have been focusing on losing some weight before ivf and that has been a challange. Since I quit smoking two years ago it seems like the pounds are packing on. My whole life I was around 120 lbs. Now I weigh around 180. I would really love to lose about 15 lbs, but I dont know how realistic that goal is in such a short time. I wont lie, I am the worlds worst exerciser. I am just lazy, end of story. I havent really changed that at all. I quit drinking soda completely, I quit drinking caffiene, Im trying to eat only chicken, turkey and cut down on red meats. I have implimented fresh vegetables daily to my diet and water! I am drinking alot of water. Regardless if this isnt enough to drop a few pounds at least I know its a healthier choice and makes me feel better going into our ivf.

I am somewhat sad. Our RN at the clinic whom I have been with from day 1, will not be taking care of us through our ivf. I know the other nurse who will be in and she is super nice also. So I went online last week and ordered a gift basket from Lush and had it sent to her. I thought it was the least I could do since she has been so amazing with us since we started the process. Of course I consider myself very lucky that our clinic is amazing also. Oh and you guys should check out this website for lush.... http://www.lush.com/ it is homemade soaps and skin care. I absolutely love it!

2012-01-15T09:28:00.000-06:00

Is my life really this boring when im in between cycles? Jeez! Ive been hoping and hoping that AF will come visit me this week so I can get the show on the road, lol. Otherwise in my life not alot is going on. This weekend we attending my cousins little girls 4th birthday at the skating rink. I think it turned into a family reunion. Then I remembered why I dont talk to alot of my family :) No, but it was fun seeing the little ones. This week coming up we are having our late Christmas dinner for work at the bosses Country Club and that always makes me nervous. Last year I had goose liver for the first time in my life. I am a country girl that has relocated to the city, but still country at heart. It makes me so uncomfortable dressing up and playing country club Tonisha. The great news is that we get a great meal and lots of expensive wine. I might break down and have a glass. Also I have scheduled all my acupunture appointments for the next 8 weeks. That is about all that is going on in my quiet life right now. Here are a few pics from the birthday party:

I think my birthday present was a hit, lol

My sweet, sweet niece Briley and adorable nephew Conner.

My husband Al and my outgoing niece Bailey! Jeez I really love them :)

No Big "O" this month.

2012-01-13T09:00:00.002-06:00

Only someone suffering with infertility would look at big "O" and know it means ovulation and not orgasim, LOL.

Well ladies, no ovulation this month. I have peeing on sticks for weeks now :) I wasnt sure after my chemical pregnancy in December on exactly when my CD1 was, but I think its safe to assume with a 26 day cycle that if I havent ovulated by day 21, its not going to happen. I was hoping for that last little chance before we started bcp. So with that being said and done, guess its time for the start of our ivf... Just saying that makes me so nervous. Its going to be ok, either way, its going to be ok. I am still sticking to my "Preparing for the worst and hoping for the best" attitude.

I think from talking to our ivf coordinator, I will be starting bcp next week and then we will get our consult. We mailed our check into Attain last week, a whopping $15,450.00 plus we have to take out another loan for the remaining about. I didnt realize all the stuff NOT included in the cost of ivf. So I guess this is really going to happen. I know one step at a time.

On a different note. This weekend we have the inlaws coming to visit on Saturday morning. Then Saturday night my cousins little girl is turning 4 and they are throwing her bday party at the skating rink. This brings back old memories from when I was in roller derby. It was a short lived career, I torn my mcl and was pretty well done. How could someone as completely un-coordinated as me think about roller derby? One great thing came out of it, I met my husband :) So I torn up knee found me the greatest man I know. Now hopefully at the skating rink this weekend, he wont want to re live our crazy days :) I just wont let him bring our helmets and/or pads :)

It keeps getting better!

2012-01-12T11:51:00.001-06:00

Well I just got off the phone with the Wall Street Journal. I did an interview on the financial aspect of ivf. We basically discussed the cost associated with ivf without insurance. How do we get the money, how much are payments, how has if effected our lives. What about the companies giving loans at 22%? There are no words right now to explain how good I feel. It is so exciting to know that a paper such as the WallStreet Journal is going to do a story on all of us couples that are struggling right now.

All I can say right now is WOW.....

I will be the first person to admit that before we were struggling with IF, I had NO clue, none! I had a coworker that went through ivf and I didnt even take a minute of my life to listen or to ask her questions or to support her. I feel like such an asshole about that now. I had NO idea how stressful it was not only ttc and chemical pregnancies, but the financial stress of trying to figure out where the money would come from.
I want to be as active as possible in trying to help that more states mandate infertility coverage, regardless if we are successful at getting pregnant or not. Even couple should have the right to get ivf, whether you have insurance or dont, make good money or live in a one house income..... Everyone suffering through IF should have that chance! I feel so passionate about this, I wish I could go around the U.S and educate people on infertility and support the couples going through it.

Wow what a Wednesday!

2012-01-11T08:16:00.000-06:00

This year is really starting off to be something, in a good way! It started by me winning a gift basket at my salon, then my best friend that was really distant lately sent me a beautiful gift the other night and apologized for being a awful friend lately. This morning I went in for some bloodwork before ivf and my nurse gave me a full cycle worth of Menopur for free! To top everything off, I recieved my awesome fertility socks last night from Christina, my sock partner. They are so cool and green! I love green and I cant wait to wear my socks!

How much better could this day honestly get? None, it is perfect :)

Fed Up!

2012-01-10T09:41:00.000-06:00

This post today is totally NON ttc related...................................

I am so beyond frustrated. Hopefully someone out there can give me good advice (fingers crossed).
So I started a new job two years ago when my I married my husband and relocated. I originally sent my resume in for a Land postion. After two interviews and being hired I was really excited that I was able to stay in the Oil and Gas Industry. The office I work in is very small. There are (3) employees and (2) bosses. Basically I handle all of the land and help my boss out with his personal stuff, we have a lady that does accounting and another person who handles the other bosses personal matters. I was so happy to work here and be in a small, personal office. Not to long into my job I noticed that the other two ladies were constantly late. We are suppose to be here at 8:30 and the would drag in anywhere from 8:45 to 9:30. You ask how they could do this? Well the bosses never get to work early, NEVER. Infact the bosses usually come in around 10 or 11 go to lunch until 1 or later and then work until about 3 and go home. Which they own the company so that isnt even an issue. For the first year both ladies would call me in the morning with seriously lame excuses on why they would be late and/or not be here. Finally I snapped and told both of them that I dont care why they are late or not coming in and for them to quit calling me with lame excuses. Well lets say we didnt talk for a while after that. Sorry but I have grown up with something called work ethic... Since my husband and I commute to the city, I come in an hour early daily and dont expect anything in return.

Ok so here is the kicker. One of my coworkers has fibromylgia, celiac disease and is seriously allergic to everything under the sun. I will not lie and say I am very familar with celiac disease because im not. She said that the doctors wont diagnose her for either but she is positve she has them. She misses at least 2 weeks a month of work and is now to the point where she doesnt even come into work until around 2 p.m daily. I have to listen to her seriously call on the phone and tell people she is dying weekly. Basically everything is killing her because its filled with chemicals etc. She sits at work and googles her diseases and doesnt want to see a regular doctor such as a rhematologist because they all think she is crazy. So instead of trying things that could possibly help her, she decides to come to work shaking, crying, barely walking and just throws a pity party. Her husband will basically carry her into work. She is so doped up on pain meds, half of the time she cant even talk nor think. I do understand that something is wrong with her, but my goodness it is stressing me the hell out! I am to the point where I dont event talk to her and I basically cringe when she does come to work.

My other coworker is not as bad, but doesnt really like to work either. I just feel like I cant even be sick. One days when I am sick, I have to come to work until someone else shows up. With upcoming ivf I have no idea whats going to happen. I feel by missing work I am letting my boss down and I dont want to have my boss think I am lazy or mental. If this job didnt pay so well, I would leave in a second to find another place to work, just to get away from all the drama!

Well I am done complaining for today. I had to get that out. I just think that no matter how bad you have it, someone else out there has it so much worse. So instead of bitching and whinning daily about how bad things are in your life, maybe try to change things?

I know that reading this post it doesnt sound that bad, but you would be wrong in that assumption. I have NEVER experienced anything like this co-worker in my life.

Nothing Much

2012-01-08T09:18:00.000-06:00

Well not alot is going on with my ttc. Today is CD15 and I havent got a postive on my OPK yet. Since I have such a short cycle, I dont think I will be ovulating this month. This means I will miss out on my 2% chance of ttc naturally, but thats ok. I have one more bloodtest this week coming up. My doctor tested me for blood clotting factors due to auto immune diseases. So far my test are all clear and it looks like we will be started bcp within next week in a half. Since I havent taken a bcp since I was a teenager, im a little scared. I remember them making me so sick. Hopefully I will react differently this time and it will be for a short period of time anyway.

Yesterday I went to the salon and had my hair colored and cut. Unfortnanetly this is something I have to do monthly due to pre-mature gray. I am about 40% gray when not colored. It started in my 20's and I seem to get more every year. Due to the comments I recieve about being " 36 and trying to get pregnant again" I decided that gray probably wont do me any justice.

After the salon I took my daughter and her best friend to see Breaking Dawn (at my request) they laughed and said it was a lame move (teenagers). I thought it was the best installment yet. Guess I really am the cougar mom. Honestly I was hooked on the books, so the movies seemed like a given. What can I say, I love sparkly vampires.

We finished our day out with a shopping trip to Maurices. I found a really cute pair of jeans, jacket, and shirt. The cutest of everything was these shoes I found with a pink ribbon. I love them so much. I dont think it helps that my husband is already a few inches shorter than me, (without heels). Luckily it doesnt bother him. Please note in picture that I am buying a clothes a little larger. I have been gaining weight and expect to gain more through ivf.

My sister did ask me if I "dug up one of our ancestors graves for these shoes" LMAO. It was pretty funny. I dont know what it was, but I fell in love with them the minute I noticed. I decided I would buy them before I even knew the price.

I was lost, but now I may be found.

2012-01-05T18:15:00.001-06:00

I will go ahead and warn you that this post is going to be long. If you can stick with it and read all the way through, I know that you can truly appreiciate it. Ok here we go........

I have to share a personal story with you guys in order for you to understand what im getting ready to tell you. Since I dont have permission, I will keep the other person anynomous.

Almost a year ago I met an amazing woman that was also struggling with infertility. She had a very hard time getting pregnant with her first child and even a harder time with her second. When we met she was attending the same RE office as me and trying to get pregnant with her second baby. After several failed attempts of iuis along with medication and over two years trying to concieve her second child, she was devastated. Of course I was just being introduced to the whole infertility thing and was postivie and excited and didnt really understand why so many other woman were stressed, bitter and angry. Well we started emailing each other as a means for support. Her husband was in the middle of changing jobs and they didnt have insurance so they took some time off from RE and she got pregnant. She is due in May and she deserves every bit of happiness. Well I thought since she was pregnant now and I was the angry bitter IFer, that our friendship might not keep growing, but it has. We share alot of personal feelings and she has stayed very supportive.

Here is where the story starts:

I shared with my friend that I had completely lost my faith. I felt God had completely given up on me and I have been struggling so hard. I explained to her that I am angry with God and I am done! She explained to me how she had also struggled, as so many of us have. Then asked if she could share a story with me. She made if very clear she wasnt preaching or pushing anything on me. I gladly accepted to hear her story. As I said she has struggled with both pregnancies. Her first one she was basically at the breaking point and had asked a very good friend of hers if it would be wrong to pray and ask God for a sign that he was listening to all her prayers about wanting to get pregnant. Her friend thought that was a good idea. She prayed and prayed. One day on her way home she broke down and cried and prayed to God for him to show her a sign. She said to me that she expected an obvious sign, such as a baby on a billboard etc. She was driving home on the same route she took everyday for years and noticed a picture of a school bus on a semi truck. She wondered to herself if that was the sign. It didnt seem like a obvious sign, but then she thought to herself that she had NEVER seen a bus on this stretch of road as long as she could remember and she traveled this road daily. She went home and prayed some more asking God if that was a sign that she would get pregnant. The next day on her way home she looked on the side of the highway and at a gas station was about 12 school buses. Well obviously she was completely shocked. She felt in her heart that God did send her a sign and answered her prayers. She was pregnant with her daughter 3 months later.

After she shared this story with me. I explained to her that I did believe her and I did think God had answered her prayers, but like I said be he wasnt with me anymore. That he had indeed given up on me.

Today on my way home from work (please keep in mind this is the exact same route that my friend drove because we do live pretty close together) Anyway back to my story.... Today I am in passenger seat and my husband is driving us home. I am on my phone checking facebook and then look up to see a school bus right beside us on the highway at 5:25 this evening. In the last few years since I have lived here, I have never seen a school bus on this stretch of road either. Tears came to my eyes and I thought of the story my friend shared with me. In total disbelieft I share the story with my husband and then asked him " Have you ever seen a school bus on this road?" His reply was " No and I was just getting ready to comment about that to you, but you started telling me this story" Ok I seriously have chills running down my spine right now. Could this have been a simple coincidence or is this an answered prayer for someone I thought completely abandoned me? Some of you may think this is all pretty crazy and it is, but I think my faith has been restored.

I wanted to add something to this. The sign I recieved yesterday, I dont believe it was a sign I will be pregnant soon. I think it was more of a sign saying, " I am here". God knows how far away I have been and how abandoned I felt by him. I really believe he told me yesterday he does hear me and he is here.

Just what I needed

2012-01-03T14:26:00.000-06:00

I wanted to wait until I got blood results back from RE and make one post, but I havent heard anything yet. Today after returning to work from getting my blood drawn, I saw a post on my Facebook from my salon. I guess I was picked for a December drawing (which I didnt even know anything about) and won the following. I wonder if this is a sign of the good things to come this year? I have NEVER won anything... until now!

Isnt it just fantastic???? I love it!

On ttc news front. As I said I went to have blood drawn this morning. Hopefully my levels are zero so we can move on. The nurse asked if we were still interested in the Karotyping test and I told her yes, definitely. They are suppose to get that set up for us. I am CD10 today, if by some miracle I can get a smiley face on my OPK then my doctor will call me in some progesterone during this natural cycle. We also talked about our decision on ivf and what program we finally chose. My RN feels pretty confident that we should have some snowbabies out of our two fresh ivf cycles. At first I thought if we didnt get any then our (2) FET cycles were just a waste. After considering the cost, we are getting a good deal for two fresh cycles and if we are lucky even to have frozen embryos left our FET will be a special bonus.

Looks like this year is off to a good start and im ready for it.

Scared Sh*tless......

2012-01-02T15:23:00.001-06:00

I know that im no different from anyone else going into the new year. A flood of postive, self empowering thoughts runs through our minds. I know my resolution this year was to be happy with my life regardless if we got pregnant or not. This is still my plan and I continue to work on it daily.

I feel a little weird that we arent doing any treatments this month. It doesnt seem right. I did buy a over the counter OPK, so hopefully I will ovulate this month. I dont want to be cheated out of my 2% chance of concieving naturally this month :).

So my husband and I were eating lunch out today and started talking about ivf. I didnt think I would be such a nervous wreck about this. I guess when we were going through iui, I always knew if it failed we had ivf. What if ivf fails? We dont have the money to do it again for another year or two. I told my husband today that I wish I wasnt as knowledgable about IF as I am now. People dont realize what a true miracle not only getting pregnant, but carrying a baby to term is. I feel like im at the bottom of a mountain and getting ready to start climbing without shoes, water, or climbing gear. By some alignment of good luck, I will manage to get all the way up the mountain. I guess this brings me back to my new years resolution " be happy with my life regardless if we have a baby or not". I have to keep reminding myself of that. At this point, I am so scared! I will continue forth to our upcoming ivf treatments. I willl prepare myself for the worst and hope for the best. That is all I can do. I will do everything physically and mentally to prepare for this, but in the back of my mind I have to also know there is a chance for failure. I have to prepare myself for that reality also.

Im not ready to consider what will come after ivf, if it fails. I do know that we will make it though. I truly hope that this, " the year of the dragon" will be my year and all the other lovely ladies on here. I also hope that I can move on if its not. I cant keep living with this fear of the unknown though.

2012

2011-12-31T08:44:00.000-06:00

Well 2012 I hope you turn out to be a good year. I will put the fact behind me that I have a horrible head cold going into the new year and know this isnt a sign of things to come :)

I have decided in 2012 that I will work on being acceptive and happy with my life just the way it is, a baby or no baby.

I have been down in the dumps that I lost some friends that were really close to me over this past year, but I also picked up a new friend and even being pregnant, she has been the best support system. I am truly thankful for her friendship. I guess we all think we have great friends and the real test is when you go through something "trying" in your life. At this point the true friends shine and the other fade away. I will not spend anymore time upset about this and I choose to really be thankful for all the people who have stuck with us throughout this.

I also want to take the time to acknowledge the amazing woman I have met through my blog. Some of your stories I read makes me realize how special you truly are. I also have to say that I have never met a stronger, determined, more supportive group in my life. Some of you have finally got a BFP and are off to be wonderful mothers and some of you are in the middle of a loss and trying again. Some of us are still working on seeing two lines. My hope for all of us, is that 2012 is a year of happiness. Regardless of what the circumstances, I hope that we all can have some joy in our hearts and make the best of this new year given to us.

Finally. I will take time today to sit back and think about all the wonderful things that did happen to me this year. Honestly, that is a pretty big list. Most of all, I have my health and so does my family.

Too a Happy New Years ladies!

There is a bright side.........

2011-12-29T18:19:00.000-06:00

While on our break until ivf, there is a bright side. Here are some of the things that I gladly dont have to think about for a month or so..

#1. No dildo cam. This means I get to keep my pants on and no audience checking out my goodies up for display.

#2 I dont have to shave my legs in a last minute attempt before heading to RE office!

#3 No injections that burn like hell :)

#4 No Menopur induced migraines lasting a week!

#5 No sitting in the RE's office looking at other woman as sad as I am.

#6 No hoping my ovaries produce some quality eggs this month

#7 No timed intercouse so my husbands sperm level is just right and has great motility

#8 No rubber cathedar shooting sperm into my uterus, while I have the "un-lubed metal duck bills stuck in me"

#9 No progesterone

and finally the best......................................

#10 No expectations which include early testing and hoping we get a BFP....

So this is what I am completely thankful for. There actually is a brightside, you just have to pick it out of the clouds that block our vision.

I look forward to 2012!

My Name is Tonisha and................

2011-12-28T08:25:00.000-06:00

Hello everyone. My name is Tonisha and im a Google addict. This relationship started out so innocently and then went to hell in a hand basket so quickly. At the beginning of our infertility journey I used google for common things, such as googling: side effects of medications, procedures I was having done and recovery times etc. The rest is a blur and im not sure how it got to this point, but...... its like I woke up one day and I find that there are a millon of couples just like me! They are suffering through primary and secondary infertility. There are thousands of websites with all kinds of information about iui's, ivf, progesterone, luteal phases, chemical pregnancies. You name and bam its there. I learned that all these other woman also had a "google phd" just like me! They also knew their doctor was wrong and why couldnt the doctor see what was really wrong and fix it, just like me! I do have to admit, its absolutely amazing that I am an expert on reproductive endocrinology and I didnt even have to go to college. How many people can say that? I learned many interesting facts by googling. Did you know that chemical pregnancies are very common? Yes they happen (according to what website or forum you look at ) 25%-70% of the time. A luteal phase is (according to what website or forum you look at) anything from under 10-12 days. It is also possible when you insert Crinone for it to work better if you stand on your head and fart really loud, twice. (sorry I had to add that one). Well I think everyone gets my point. So where do I go from here? At what point do I give up control and let my doctor do his job? I mean he is obviously qualified, right?

I sat down last night and had a conversation with my husband about moving on to IVF. It is honestly scaring the shit out of me. I told him since we had multiple chemical pregnancies maybe we should consider genetic testing before moving forward. ( I got that idea from Dr. Google also). Or maybe we should get a second opinion? How is it possible that my doctor, being as sweet and nice as he is, could possibly care about me getting pregnant as much as I do. My husband said I need to stay off the internet because its turning me obsessive and complusive (my words, not his). I told him I dont want to do IVF unless he can give us some assurance that we wont end up having more chemical pregnancies and wasting all this money. I know that the doctor cant do something like that. I also know that most of you are paying completely OOP and know the huge hole it is leaves. We can only afford to do this multi-cycle thing one time. What if it fails? So many fears going through my head and I am so unsure about everything.

I did promise my husband last night that I would "try" to quit googling. I dont know if I have mentioned this to any of you before, I quit smoking a little over two years ago. I started smoking when I was a teenage at 14 and smoke until I was 34. I thought quitting smoking was the hardest thing I have ever done, but it doesnt hold a candle to quitting "googling". I know that sounds super lame, but its so easy to get online and find so many different people suffering along with you.

Well I guess I have blabbered enough today. There are things for my New Years Resolution and the top two are: quit googling and put trust in my doctor and hope all his years in college will ultimately pay off for me.

Beta #2 Chemical (Lesson Learned!)

2011-12-27T11:05:00.000-06:00

Just recieved call back from doctor and hcg was 14 and progesterone dropping. At least I can say this is the most unique Christmas gift ever! I have to go back next Tuesday and be tested again. They will test until my levels reach zero..... (and the fun never stops,huh) insert sarcastic laugh and a middle finger.

Thanks for being so supportive ladies. It seems you are the only ones I can talk to about this. I had a friend from my real life text me and ask if we should take a break from all the stress. Any person knows that going through IF, it just pisses you off worse when ppl ask if you should take a break (even with the best intentions).

I learned a VERY important lesson from this. NO more early testing, ever, ever, ever. If I didnt test on the day of my missed period and just waited, this would have been SO much less stressful.

2011-12-27T08:23:00.000-06:00

Well I had to go in this morning for my 2nd Beta. I took another test and there is still a line, but no darker within last few days. My nurse is so sweet and so geniune. Everything was fine until she asked me to describe the bleeding. Are you serious? Its red and its blood thats been here for 3 days (pretty self explanitory). I told her not to bother calling me with the results that I already knew what was going on. She then said that unfornantely she had too. They have to follow you hcg levels down, unless it is lower today. Then she would have to contact me about starting my birth control for ivf preparation. I dont know why I am taking this so hard, but I am. I am in a complete slump and have a total F U attitude, ugh this isnt how I want to be. Maybe after today since im no longer testing, I can start moving forward and focusing on ivf. I think my biggest fear now with the two chemical pregnancies with a few months is we are going to pay and go through ivf and find out there is something wrong with chromos and then we are out of 20,000. Heck I dont know. That might not even be a legitimate thought, but it seems the most sensible out of all the ones im having.

I will update later on test results. The office closes at noon so she said she would, (at my request) email instead of call by noon.

Pour some more salt in the wound.

2011-12-26T15:51:00.000-06:00

I called my doctors office this morning to see if I could go ahead and get this bloodwork over. I have sat home four days now, one minute seeing I was pregnant and the next minute bleeding and still showing im pregnant. Test going darker and lighter and darker and lighter. Well they wouldnt let me come in today and get this shit over with. I guess I am the only one who would like to be in some peace and not string this out any longer. Why couldnt this have been simple and just been a BFN like im used too? I mean I wouldnt wish this on my worse enemy and it seems as nature, god or whoever is suppose to be in control of things is just pulling those strings and laughing it up. I am beyond bitter at this point and not understanding why I couldnt go in one day fucking early and at least have a definite answer so I could start moving on. Ugh. That is pretty well sums everything up today. This has been the worse Christmas. I want the New Year to just get here already.

The Ultimate Tease

2011-12-24T09:01:00.000-06:00

Well I woke up this morning to hoping to see a darker line on my test. My FRER had one line and my clear blue easy said not pregnant. Yes you heard me correctly. This last cycle was the ultimate tease and on Christmas no less. After a minute of my faith being restored within last few days, thinking that wow this could honestly be a Christmas miracle...... today its gone. I guess in some ways I feel relieved. I knew it was to good to be true. I havent been able to get pregnant for two years now, why would this have done the trick. I feel so stupid for getting excited about all of this. My husband is absolutely heartbroken. I feel so bad for him. He doesnt understand all that can "not" happen after a positive pregnancy test. I tried to explain to him that it takes so much more after the test, but he thinks it says pregnant, so we are pregnant. That only happens to the lucky people as you are well know. Well enough with self pity. I refuse to let this ruin my Christmas. I am blessed with my family and friends. Looks like we are on schedule for IVF#1 starting February 2012!

Before I go, I want all of you to know how special I think you are. The support that goes around in this group is absolutely amazing. I get more support and love from you ladies then I do so called "true" friends I have in real life, with the exception of a few.. (they know who they are) I know that some of us have and/or will go on to get pregnant and some of us wont, but I know for a fact that the support will always remain strong between us.

Merry Christmas!

1st Beta

2011-12-23T11:49:00.000-06:00

Well I got the results from my bloodwork. Since im only 10DPIUI she said it would be low. My hcg is 10.7 and my progesterone is 13.9. Which this is the highest my progesterone has ever been. I am on Crinone so actually my progesterone is alot higher since it doesnt show up in blood. She said im definitely pregnant. They dont usually test this early. I wont test again until Tuesday morning. I hope this is it.

Why is it that when we get a positive test or 2,3,4,5 etc. that we still have to question everything. I should be overjoyed right now, but im just really scared. I guess its probably good that on 9DPO anything showed up in bloodwork. I just hope and pray this is for real..

Pregnant

2011-12-23T09:06:00.000-06:00

According to my clearblue easy.... It says 99% accurate?

9DPIUI

2011-12-22T10:00:00.000-06:00

Since AF is suppose to be here tomorrow, I decided to test. After looking and squiting I thought I saw a VERY faint line. To make this even sicker I have carried the test with me to work and keep pulling it out to see if the line gets any darker. I think the kicker is, its all in my head and my mind just wants me to see one. Can I please get the "ate up" award for the week? Geez I feel pathetic. I have no symptons, but I also have no AF symptons either. I guess my last cycle couldnt end quietly and uneventful.

8DPIUI

2011-12-21T08:28:00.000-06:00

Ok here is my theory. I think that iui's are complete and total bullshit. I was looking on Cycle Sistas yesterday and there were (6) of us going through iui this month. Unfortnanetly (4) didnt take and the other (2) are still in 2WW. I have a huge feeling I will be the next on the "didnt work" list either. I sit back and think that I effing hate iui's and it is put in place to tease woman with the possibility of pregnancy. At the end of the 2WW it says " haha not this month". Why did I even waste my time with this crap? If I would have tried one or two cycles, then I could have moved to ivf and "possibly" been pregnant for Christmas. Ok. Yes I know im sounded like a complete bitter bitch today, but this gets old.

Symptons today.... a big fat...............................Nothing! and I should be starting period on Friday unless the progesterone wants to be a cruel bitch and prolong. I think we will have about a month possibly before we start preparation for our ivf cycle. I was waiting until we got the bfn for this cycle before I started getting prepared for next step.

I still plan on having a good Christmas and hanging out in pjs for a few days and stuffing my face. I have a bottle of wine that hasnt been cracked open in ages, maybe a glass of wine. Oh and enjoy some intimate time with my husband and not have to worry about procreating in a sample cup to cathedar to uterus.

On a lighter note, here is our 12 Days of Christmas (Thanks to 999 reason to laugh at inferility)

On the first day of Infertile Christmas, my true love gave to me
male factor infertility.
On the second day of Infertile Christmas, my doctor sent to me
a bill for our failed fertility.
On the third day of Infertile Christmas, my mother said to me,
“Why aren’t you pregnant yet? We have a fertile family tree.”
On the fourth day of Infertile Christmas, cousin Sally said to me
She’ll announce her latest pregnancy after dessert and tea.
On the fifth day of Infertile Christmas, Aunt Bess offered her advice
“Just relax and it will happen” was her very helpful vice.
On the sixth day of Infertile Christmas, my period said to me
“I’m showing up on Christmas Day with evilness and glee.”
On the seventh day of Infertile Christmas, your little sister sang a tune
she is now three months pregnant from her honeymoon.
On the eighth day of Infertile Christmas, PCOS said to you,
“You won’t see ovulation until 2022.”
On the ninth day of Infertile Christmas, my mother said to me
“My friend’s daughter got pregnant after drinking some special tea.”
On the tenth day of Infertile Christmas, my fertility nurse said to me
“we’re closed during the holidays but you still owe us a fee.”
On the eleventh day of Infertile Christmas, your mother-in-law began to wave
“please make me a grandmother before I’m in the grave.”
On the twelfth day of Infertile Christmas, hope said to believe
that one day it will happen and you will conceive.

Whether you celebrate Christmas/Kwanzaa/Chanukah or Festivus, don’t let infertility ruin another holiday for you. You’ve wasted too many tears and too many special moments already. It’s time to celebrate your life right now.

7DPIUI

2011-12-20T08:54:00.000-06:00

I have a few words to sum up how I feel..... TIRED and DIZZY. Since I always start 10 days after ovulation, I have decided to test on Thursday.

Still Hanging In

2011-12-19T08:38:00.000-06:00

Today I am 6DPIUI and I have a good feeling this month that my progesterone is actually working! I have had sore boobs, lower back pain, fatigue, and on/off again nausea. Its kinda exciting in the fact this is the first month I think it has actually worked. I go in tomorow for my week post u/s and progesterone test and I am sticking to my guns that I dont want to know my level. I want to continue breezing through this cycle and put all of my thoughts and effort to my ivf.

This weekend I went over and helped a very good friend decorate their nursery. They have a little boy that is due at the end of February. We decorated in a jungle theme with little monkeys everywhere. It was so cute. I cant wait to meet the little guy. After helping them we stopped by the SIL's house and seen our niece and nephew. I have tried to stay clear, but my husband really wanted to go. I thought since we are staying home for Christmas that I could let him have this. For some reason it doesnt bother me to be around a friend that is pregnant, but its different (as I have previously stated) with Sil.

My husband went out and bought a ham for Christmas dinner. His family is really upset that we arent going to their house during Christmas. My DH told them it was due to doctor appointments and our treatment. His dad has been guilt tripping him about not coming. Heck just to make things fair, I decided we wouldnt go see my family either. If I had one Christmas wish besides the obvious of getting pregnant, it would be that other people could understand what infertility does to you mentally. If you have suffered from it, you have no idea.

I went to get my hair colored and cut on Saturday and my hair dresser is about 6 weeks pregnant. She told me that she thought she had a urinary tract infection. She didnt know that frequent peeing was early sign of pregnancy. She is hoping to get a vacation in before the baby is due and she already found a photography to take newborn pics. She says all of this with best of intentions. I mean she is a great kid and is a great mother to her little girl. It just goes back to the point, if you NEVER suffered from infertility then you have no flipping idea how somethings you say are hurtful to someone that is going through it.

The longer we get negatives on our cycles, the more I try to pull deep inside myself and stay postive. I want to remain the person I have always been. I want to know that I can accept that fact that I might never have a baby with my husband. We might always be the "cool" aunt and uncle. At this point, that is a very possible. I have been asked by certain people if we would consider adoption and/or fostering. My answer to that is no. There are certain people in this world cut out to adopt, I am not one of those people. If we ultimately cant have a child together, then like I said, we will give our attention to family members and friends. Maybe more vacations and toys. I have been blessed once in my life already with my daughter Cierra. If my plan is to only have one gift, then I should be grateful that I had that chance. She will be driving in a year and graduated in a few (how time flies).

For anyone reading this, I will apologize for my grammer and punctuation now :) Guess I was sleeping in class all those years ago.

3DPIUI

2011-12-16T09:04:00.000-06:00

My thoughts this cycle hmmmm, well I have felt anything! Last month I had ovulation pains so I knew confidently that I had ovulated. This month nothing? I wonder when you get the hcg trigger shot what are the chances that you dont ovulate? Well that would be pretty rich that I didnt ovulate on my last cycle :)

Anyways I am looking forward to Christmas at home with just Al, Cierra, and me. Heck I might just stay in pajamas for 3 days :)

Final 2WW for 2011!

2011-12-13T12:59:00.000-06:00

My iui went amazingly smooth today. I have to say that my doctor is a perfectionist and I like it. Our egg count was great, lining was great, but this month our sperm count was the lowest ever. Usually we are anywhere from 30-55 million, today was 18 million. It is what it is. My clinic likes to see at least 5 million so we are above that. My husband seemed somewhat disappointed. I told him that there is no "set" perfect cycle. We have obviously learned that during our procedures. It only takes one egg and one sperm, thats all. So I am off on my 2ww and I will not "google" or "test" this cycle. Either I will get pregnant or I wont, but I refuse to stress out this go around. I think it also helps that I know we are moving forward to ivf in February. Now that we have our finances and choose what program we will use, my stress levels is down to almost zero (which is new for me). I go in next week for my progesterone level test. I already told the nurse and doctor that I dont want the results this go around. It has always been under 5 with exception of one month and it causes me to worry even more.... Not this month.

I have a few blog buddies that are in the two week wait also and/or going to be within next few days. I wish you ladies all the luck in the world and hope you get a BFP.

Ivf is paid for!

2011-12-12T15:23:00.000-06:00

Well my husband did exactly what he promised and we are now able to afford the multi cycle program through Attain! OMG I cant believe this is happening!

Iui #4

2011-12-12T09:06:00.000-06:00

I just got back from Dr. H's office. Looks like repeat of last month with follicles. I have (3) above 18 and (1) around 16 and (1) around 15 and my lining is around 11. Our iui is set for 11am tomorrow. This is kinda of a bittersweet moment for me. I am happy to be done with the iui's and taking a break until ivf in February. With that being said, it will be really weird not going to the doctor office so many times a week. Yes I will be able to sleep in on Saturdays and Sundays now.

As many of you know we are scheduled for our first ivf in late February. We have been running around like chickens with our heads cut off trying to figure out financing on ivf. I know I am not the only woman to not have any coverage, but this is so beyond crazy! It is so unfair that couples who dont have infertily coverage have to come up with around 20,000 out of pocket. I made a promise to my husband last night that I would let him mess with the financial aspect of ivf for the next two weeks and I would try to stay as stress free as possible. That means I have to give up control (which isnt easy for me).

I know many of you are thinking I shouldnt get ahead of myself, that there is hope for this iui to take. Maybe. I have had almost four amazing cycles with iui. Great sperm count, motility, good number of eggs. So its hard for me to be a "postive patty" on this cycle. Plus if I get my hopes up, it makes it so much worse when the cycle fails. I made that mistake last cycle and it wont happen again.

Well im off for the 2WW. Technically for me, its the 10 day wait :) I hope everyone luck that is on the 2ww with me and I hope you get your BFP. My only Christmas wish this year is to be able to get ivf financing in order for February.

More or Less?

2011-12-09T12:40:00.000-06:00

I recieved my email today from Attain. We were medically accepted to participate in the "Refund Program". I am really hoping to make the right decision on this. The refund program is pretty expensive and you get 6 cycles, (3) fresh (3) frozen and if you dont go home with baby you get a certain % refund. If you get pregnant first try then you have spent alot of extra money. The second option is multi cycle program which consists of 4 cycles, (2) fresh and (2) frozen. There is no refund on this, but it is also significantly cheaper then the other. As for both programs, there are certain things that neither of them cover and this will add up to another few thousand out of pocket. I feel like I am flipping a coin here and hoping its the right call.
After speaking to my doctor, he feels that we have a great shot, I mean 45-50% per cycle sounds like good odds to me.

Have any of you going through ivf had to make a similar decision? If so, could you tell me what your thought process was on making this decision? I would really like to hear from people that have been here and done this.

Acupunture

2011-12-09T09:08:00.000-06:00

So acupunture was definitely not what I expected. First of all I didnt know that they hook electric up to your needles. I had needles put in the back of my calves, four in my back, one in each ring finger and one in my right thumb. I explained to the doctor that I dont liked to be touched as is. He was very considerate with that information and didnt touch anymore then he possibly had to. About 20 minutes into the procedure my foot was feel weird so I tried to wiggle my toes. This set off a weird sensation through my body that caught me off guard and I had a panic attack (ugh) after breathing through it I got control back and finished the procedure. I guess basically our goal yesterday was to get more blood flow through the ovaries to carry more medicine. The doctor was very religious and kinda pushed that off on me, but I didnt feel like debating religion while hooked up to electricity. After the procedure was done I was very dizzy and lightheaded (he said that was completely normal) for first time.

Fast forward to this morning: I slept all night(which I havent done in months) My week long headache has disappeared, my back is no longer hurting and im not sick to my stomach this morning. I feel freaking amazing! So if my iui fails next week, I will continue to see this doctor for my ivf work up. Maybe I will just put ear plugs in when it comes to discussing religion.

Oh yeah this was the reading material in waiting room, not what I expected to see:

Im getting poked tonight!

2011-12-08T12:18:00.000-06:00

Yes you read the title correctly. I am getting poked tonight after work. This is my first ever experience with acupunture. I found someone that has worked very closely with my clinic and comes highly recommended. Wow it feels so weird for me to say this. Never, ever, ever did I dream I would get fertility acupunture done. Infact I remember saying a year or so ago. "that is such crap" hmmm maybe it is maybe it isnt, but I willing to give it a shot now. I am going right now for my iui and then will start seeing him six weeks prior to my ivf. In all honesty I am still giggling about this. I always thought this was like a hippie thing, never got into eastern medicine. I hope no one takes offense to that statement, just being honest.

Today is cd 8 and here is my follie count so far: Right side largest is 12, 10 then 10 less than 10. Left side is 13,10 and 8 less than 10. Go back Saturday for another u/s to see how my little ladies are progressing.

We are IVF bound.

2011-12-07T12:48:00.000-06:00

We had our consult with Dr. H and covered everything under the sun plus some :) We talked about my issues with progesterone. He did agree my progesterone levels were low, but that really shouldnt affect getting pregnant. As for last cycle that failed, he assured me that my progesterone levels were within range of being able to get pregnant. He told my that my ovarian reserve is "fantastic" for my age. He said that I have done very well with the stims and he feels IVF is our next step. I probably forgot to tell everyone that I put myself on the ivf waiting list without consulting with my doctor. The waiting list was long and I felt in my heart that iui's would not work. He found out a few weeks ago. I told him I was being aggressive with treatment. Anyhow we have about 46-50% chance of pregnancy per cycle of ivf. This is a HUGE difference from iui and that is shown in the cost! We also discussed the "what if" this cycle doesnt work? Dr. H believes that a clomid w/iui is a huge step back from where we are now. With the injectables, we have the highest chance with iui for pregnancy.

My conclusion to todays consult is we are finishing this cycle and then taking a break until we start process of ivf. So we will most likely start our birth control pill in beginning of February. I feel very much at peace with our decision. Now we have to get started on the financial aspect of ivf and that I am not looking forward to.

Feeling Much Better

2011-12-06T08:55:00.000-06:00

Well its been almost a week since I found out that my iui failed and two days since I started my injections for next go around. I am feeling so much better this week. For some reason, failing my 3rd iui really hit home with me. I was an emotional, crying mess for days. From day one of realizing we had issues concieving I always knew in my heart that we would, it might just take some time. Maybe the failure of #3 made me realize that concieving might not happen for us (idk). With the fact that I am feeling much better, I still have zero hope for this cycle to work. I will do my iui, take my progesterone and wait for AF to get here. Dont get me wrong, I am not being negative about all of this, I am being realistic :).

Counting down the days until stims for my ivf :) I have a feeling that one day I will say " it was worth all the heartbreak, tears, stress for my beautiful baby(s).

I will update on Wednesday after our consult.

As always I have a few blog buddies that are in early stages of little beans sticking. Good luck ladies :)

CD 4

2011-12-04T09:44:00.000-06:00

Well this hasnt been the greatest week. First I find out that #3 was another bust, then my Sooners get an ass kicking from OSU (which makes me want to puke). And to put cherry on top, our weather man said yesterday we were suppose to get 3-7 inches of snow and now today we arent getting anything (Blah).

I had my doctor appointment this morning. Since I am cycle day #4 and our consult isnt until Wednesday, I had to make a decision today to either start next cycle or take a break. Well "a break" is not in my plan. We decided to do our 4th and last Iui with injectables. My regular RE was off this weekend so I had the other one in office. She decided we would be more "aggressive" this go around. Including my estrogen levels are low enough today, I will start Menopur tonight and instead of (2) vials I will be on (3) for (3) days and then backed down to (2) for (2) more days. She said she wasnt planning on getting us pregnant with triplets but thought we needed to be more aggressive. I dont think the "triplet" theory will be an issue. This including last cycle I had (5) matured eggs and nothing, or the fact that my progesterone levels are so low.

Im really looking forward to Wednesday to find out what our new treatment plan will consist of until ivf.

As for the rest of the crappy week, I am going to clean like a mad lady today. Cleaning is my therapy and it is very relaxing.

Consult

2011-12-01T12:26:00.000-06:00

I just heard back from the RN at Dr. H's office. We have a consult on December 7th to discuss a new treatment plan. She said they usually like to have three failed cycles before a new consult and new plan. We are going in this weekend to start on next cycle though. I dont want to miss out on a cycle waiting on a consult.

Hopefully we can sit down and discuss everything. Just to let you know how good my RE's office is, I sent an email about my concerns and had a lengthy reply from RN and new consult scheduled within 30 minutes. I am thankful for that.

Angry As Hell!

2011-12-01T08:03:00.000-06:00

I have been angry almost all week since my RE appointment on Monday. Im not sure if in my head its easier to blame the doctors office or just accept that things arent working. I know he is a doctor and im not (well maybe Dr. Google). I am just second guessing the decisions made at my RE office. I told the RN on Monday that I felt cramps and knew my AF was going to be here on day 10 again, this after another under (5) progesterone level. She just gave me a look. Maybe I took the look the wrong way, but I even asked my husband if he seen it and he said yes. In his defense he prob was smart enough to just agree with me this week. I find it very odd that all (3) cycles of IUI and the exact same result. I start my AF on 10 post iui and always have below (5) on progesterone. Is this just me over anaylizing things?

Im very confused, angry and an emotional fucking wreck. I feel like crying 24/7, I cant sleep at all and im just a mess! I think this is all really starting to hit home. I go into each cycle with actual hope, hope for what, seriously? Our cycles have been perfect, but I guess my body wants no part of it

A blog buddy brought something to my attention the other day that I never even thought about. How can I spend over 15K for ivf with these issues? If the doctors cant get my freaking progesterone to even the lowest normal level, can will that work?

I know that I am all over the place here, but just having all these thoughts pop into my head as I type, sorry.

I am thinking this Saturday when I go in to the doctors, im going to tell him its time for plan B to be put into place. Maybe I should start clomid this cycle and forget the injectables. I know clomid helps with progesterone and ovulation. I was on it for 6 months before seeing RE, but not with assisted IUI. I also know that injectables have a higher chance of pregnancy, but I dont think that is the case with someone in my situation.

Dont get me wrong ladies, this is only making me more determined. I will figure things out, learn from mistakes and more forward because I am a fighter and this is a battle I will win. Just need to figure out another straegy.

I welcome any thoughts, suggestions or comments from fellow bloggers or anyone that is new to my blog.

IUI #3 Failure & my plan.

2011-11-30T15:31:00.000-06:00

So as the day has went on I am bleeding heavier. So as predicted I started on day 10 on dot, just like I said I would when I got a funny look two days ago. Oh well. I need to start preparing for the next step. As most of you know, we are on the IVF waiting list and start our Stims on Febuary 25, 2012. We are trying to get as many iuis in before that in hopes of pregnancy and saving a shit load of " out of pocket" money. IUI#4 with be with injectables and progesterone again and then IUI#5 is going to be with clomid and progesterone. By the time we finish these two, we should be ready for IVF. My doctor said someone in my case should try at least 4 cycles to possibly 6 of iui before moving on. I do trust my doctor. I might question some things and get upset sometimes, but I believe he is doing the best thing for me. I just wish something would work already.

Thanks for all the postive thoughts for me, this just wasnt my cycle. Good luck to all my cycling buddies, I hope all of you get a BFP. Lord knows we all deserve one.

Crinone Progesterone Gel

2011-11-28T14:57:00.000-06:00

So I heard back from the doctor office and my progesterone was 4.8 but there is no way of telling because the Crinone is not detectable in blood. Im really confused here. So the pharmacutiucal company is selling a drug that claims to raise your progesterone but there is no way to tell if its working? I am really just beyond frustrated today. I am so ready for IVF and I honestly think that IUI is a waste of time and money.

My Blog Award!

2011-11-23T09:02:00.000-06:00

This award was given to my by Rebecca @
pinklipglossandprenatals
Thank you Rebecca

Liebster is a German word meaning dearest, and the award is given to up-and-coming bloggers with less than 200 followers.

Here are the rules:

1. Thank the giver and link back to the blogger who gave it to you.

2. Reveal your top five picks and let them know by leaving a comment on their blog.
3. Copy and paste the award on your blog.

4. Hope that the people you’ve sent the award to forward it to their five favorite bloggers and keep it going!

Here are 5 bloggers I would like to pass the award on to:

1. Sara @ http://mymclovelylife.blogspot.com/
2. Lisa @ http://ttcfatty.blogspot.com/
3. Megan @ http://the-cool-aunt.blogspot.com/
4. Pix @ http://unexpectedjourney-pixnlil.blogspot.com/
5. Meggola @ http://lostinprocreation.blogspot.com/

3 Day work week, doesnt get any better!

2011-11-22T13:58:00.000-06:00

I am so happy that this is a 3 day work week. Since my iui, ive been having really sharp pains in both my ovaries. The other night I was turning over in bed and the pain was pretty significant. Maybe ovulation pains? Not really sure but last night same thing happened but on my right side. I feel so bloated, actually I feel like Violet on Charlie and the Chocolate Factory when she turned into a blueberry :) only difference is im not purple. I go in next Monday for my 7dpo u/s and bloodwork.

We are having dinner at my sisters house for Thanksgiving and then my two nieces are coming home with us until Saturday. I really love spending time with them and they said the funniest things! My husband and I are taking the girls down to Bricktown and looking at Christmas lights, along with Myriad Gardens on Friday. This is giving my sister the chance to go out "Black Friday" shopping, which is absolutely crazy in my mind! I have done 80% of my shopping online this year. I just dont feel the need to be around people at all.

I hope all of you have a great Thanksgiving.

Hopefully Final 2WW.

2011-11-20T10:56:00.000-06:00

We had our 3rd iui. All the numbers looked really good. I had (5) follicles all 16 and greater. Sperm count was 30 millon with 90% motility and I also am on progesterone this go around. If any of our cycles ever had a chance, it would be this one. I am also happy to say that learning from our last two iui's this one was a walk in the park. The doctor used ivf cathedar and this time only went into that pocket off my uterus once! So pretty much painfree and no bleeding.

So now on the 2ww. Fingers and toes crossed that this will be the one :) Good luck to all my friends in the wait also :)

Yay!

2011-11-19T11:12:00.001-06:00

5 matured follicles for iui. I had a 20,18, three 16's!